marguerite_krux: (Default)
[personal profile] marguerite_krux
Fuck fucking fuckitty fuck.
This has to be the shittiest joke life has ever played on me.

My dear f-list, I've really appreciated all the support you guys have given me lately. I know I have been all about the drama for too long now and hopefully *fingers crossed* this will be the last dose of RL rantiness for a while to come.

But my god. The epic fail.

Last week, when my parents told me I was no longer welcome in their house- I was numb afterwards. I was eerily calm, I went back to my room and continued reading my romance novel, then went to bed and fell asleep without shedding a single tear.

[Being the huge crybaby that I am, this is rather OOC]

The next day, when I told my relatives what was going on, maybe a handful of tears escaped but overall, I was perfectly poised. I think that was because deep inside, despite what I should have been feeling at being rejected like this, I was relieved. I could never have thought of leaving on my own and being tossed out gave me the momentum I needed in order to actually get out of there.

Then…in the midst of my plans, my arrangements to pack up and ship out…

*ominous music begins*

…enter Mother, stage right.

[It was like a horror movie, I was brushing my teeth all on my own and then I looked up and suddenly there she was, reflected in the mirror right behind me, so freaky]

My long-suffering, magnanimous mother. Filled with words of forgiveness and reconciliation, extending the olive branch in the hopes that I would accept and crawl back to their place and do my best to be part of a real family.

[Apparently they only told me to get my stuff and leave because I didn’t demonstrate a strong enough desire to stay- I suppose I should have begged and pleaded instead of saying 'I'll stay if you actually want me here'. It seemed a perfectly reasonable response, who wants to be where they're not welcome, right? But I guess it was a test and I failed it. Though somehow, the phrase ‘we don’t want to put up with you anymore’ doesn’t fit her retconning of history, but whatever, it makes a better story, right? Let’s just put all the blame on me, she can forgive me and let bygones be bygones and everything’s hunky-dory again]

I could just cry. No, actually, I did cry, I cried more at the realization that I would have to go back ‘home’ than I did when I thought I was being kicked out for good. I wept buckets of tears, honestly, I was a real mess.

It was all an epic mindfrak. The whole thing was just designed to mess with my head. They told me I had to leave, they let me dream about a new and improved future for myself- the first time in over five years that I’ve actually planned for a future rather than just resigning myself to suicide- and then they destroyed that dream and made me watch it go up in flames.

I can’t begin to understand what just happened here, other than that I got screwed big-time. I was going to move in with my grandmother and it was going to be awesome. I was going to be ecstatically happy and commander of my own fate and things were looking up.

Then they just- took it all back. WTF? Does. Not. Compute. It’s not like canceling a takeaway order or changing what color drapes hang on the window or something. This is them calmly and rationally taking about a fortnight to come to the decision that they didn’t want their daughter to live with them any longer.

And then they just- changed their minds. How do you just do that, hit the reset button? I’ve been making plans, envisioning a different path for myself, setting up meetings and doing paperwork and all this so that I can live with Ma and be responsible for myself and all of a sudden- it’s all jettisoned out the airlock.

Because mother couldn’t sleep at night or something, she was too upset about how things went. Riiiight. Firstly, it speaks volumes that my mother had to convince my father to let me come back. Secondly- if she really cared about me, if she wanted me to be happy, she should have let me go instead of ruining everything for me.

[At least we reached a compromise- I stay with my parents during the week and Ma during the weekend. So four nights there, three with her. I feel a bit like Persephone, except Mother is so not Demeter in this retelling]

I had this wonderful dream dangled before my eyes and I thought I was close enough to grasp it- til they snatched it away again. So yes, I am mentally very, very screwed up right now.

Anyway, I’m sure you guys will be happy to hear that I am booked to see not one, but two counselors for the price of none. A few of you have been telling me I need to get professional help for a while now, so there you go.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-26 01:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mw48.livejournal.com
~massive squishes~

Yes, seeking help seems like a very good idea at this point.

Don't let go of your dreams.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-26 01:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] borg-princess.livejournal.com
I just- it feels like they played me for a fool, you know? They exposed me to something inside myself I hadn't realized was there and made me think I could be someone different and then all of a sudden, there's that noose around my neck again. Psych.

I feel like giving up now, because there was all that energy and determination- and then it's just fizzled out and god, I am so bitter right now.

Bring on the therapy, I really need it.

Ugh, I feel like all I've been doing lately is complaining. Can't be much fun for you, but you have my heartfelt thanks for sticking with me. *hugs*

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-26 02:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mw48.livejournal.com
No need for thanks.

Just remember to try to do what is best for you. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-26 01:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alyssa22.livejournal.com
I hate to say this, but you're a grown-up. If you want to leave, leave. It's as simple as that. They can't MAKE you stay there.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-26 01:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mcgarrygirl78.livejournal.com
I have to say, I want to agree with [livejournal.com profile] alyssa22 but I'm sure you dont want to cause a rift in your family and I'm also not sure your grandmother would invite you to stay when its against your mother's wishes.

Also, talking to someone is always a good thing, especially an objective 3rd party. And someone who cannot talk to your parents as soon as you turn your back.

Something good will come of this Annie, I truly believe that. You cant keep living as you have and I think if you really spread your wings your parents will either just pull that again or you'll go on your own.

I'm always here and I wish you all the best.

*hugs*

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-26 02:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] borg-princess.livejournal.com
Yeah, that's it exactly- Ma was happy to have me with her when the parents didn't want me around anymore, but as soon as Mother came around looking to 'work on things', she- well, she didn't rescind her offer, but it was pretty clear that me living with her wasn't going to happen now. There aren't the words to describe the amount of anger and disappointment I felt at that outcome.

I could still leave, of course, like you guys are saying, I'm old enough and all that- but the safety net I had is gone.

Besides, it's not that simple to just find a place and move out, and the idea of doing it on my own, without another person- I don't think I'm weak for not wanting to do that, I know a lot of independent kids, my own peers, who have stable jobs and are outgoing and confident and still wouldn't rent a flat on their own, they'd need at least one friend to help with the rent and bills.

So yeah, leaving is still an option, it's always an option, but I can't just pick and up go the way I could have when Ma's offer was still open.

talking to someone is always a good thing, especially an objective 3rd party. And someone who cannot talk to your parents as soon as you turn your back

Definitely. I am actually looking forward to it, lol. Can you tell I like to talk about my issues? And it's someone who's paid [well, by the government, anyway] to listen, so I don't feel as bad for dumping it all on them. ^_^

Thank you for always having my back. I don't think I say it enough, but I love you. *hugglesquish*
Edited Date: 2010-03-26 02:44 am (UTC)

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-26 03:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mcgarrygirl78.livejournal.com
I'll always have you back and I hope you always come here and let us know what's going on with you.

Your grandmother was in a real crazy position, just like you were.....the whole thing was quite irresponsible of your parents but as I said I truly believe this will all have a good outcome for you.

I agree with everything you said. Being on your own is hard. Hell, I have a great job, travel, do whatever I want to do and I still live at home. Its not because I have to but I want to, and even though I pay rent and help out, its nothing compared to what I would be doing completely on my own. I dont pretend I've got it hard or anything but living with anyone, parents included, presents its challenges.

Just do your best to keep a positive outlook and know there are friends and family there for when times get tough. I love you too *hugs*

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-26 01:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sunkrux.livejournal.com
I'm with alyssa22 You are a grown up. Leave. Talk to your Ma and see if she'll let you stay with her until you get on your feet.

Counseling is probably a good idea for you. I know when I saw one years ago it helped me figure a lot of things out about myself and why my dad might have become so emotionally distant with me when I was a little kid.

Most of all you can not and should not let THEM take your dream of moving out away from you. Yes it's scary but it can be awesome too. You'll eventually figure out what you want and what kind of person you want to be. They may not like it and tough shit for them if they can't/won't support you.

*hugs*

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-28 11:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] borg-princess.livejournal.com
The way you guys are all encouraging and being like ‘you can do it, just get up and go’ so makes me want to get my act together and just do exactly that but it’s not going to happen now. At least, not right now. I’m not giving up on the idea- for the few days that I honestly believed my future was not limited to living with my parents til my 40s [don’t laugh, there’s a growing trend of kids staying at home even when they’re middle-aged], it really changed my outlook on life. I didn’t think I could do it til I thought I HAD to do it and even if it’s not the case now, that feeling’s not gonna leave me now.

But the original plan’s fallen through- Ma’s so relieved at the idea of her daughter and me reconciling and working things out that there’s no way I could move in with her now. She didn’t come out and say it, but it was clear that even though I was still welcome with her, she would be heartbroken if I did leave my parents because- naturally- she loves my mother and wants the happy ending for her.

So while it would be the best move for me, it would make her miserable and that’s not the way to repay her kindness. At least I get half the week with her, it’s better than nothing.

I like counselors. Haven’t been to see one for real, but even though a lot of people dismiss what they do or think it’s a sign of weakness to need therapy, I think it’s still a good resource.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-29 12:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sunkrux.livejournal.com
I suggest that you switch that "not going to happen now" to "not going to happen YET". Now is more of a "it's not going to happen at all" mode of thinking. Yet leaves it open for the hopeful chance it will happen.

It's admirable that you don't want to cause your Ma any emotional pain, but it's sad on her part that (and I get it, really I do) she's more concerned about your mom (who's an adult with her own child) than she is about you, someone who's younger and has her entire life ahead of her.

It's great really if you and your mom have patched things up and she's willing to give you the room you need to grow and change, but for your own sanity, I certainly hope she's able to get your father to lay off you. You deserve a happy ending as well as your mom, period.

Anyone who thinks that seeing a counselor is a sign of weakness is an idiot, plain and simple, imho. There are some traumas that happen to us that no matter how much we might want to handle by ourselves we are just not equipped to handle alone. We're too close to that trauma to be able to step away from it and examine it logically so that it can no longer cause us harm. That's what counselors are there for, to help us step away from the trauma and see it in a different light.

*hugs* Just remember that you deserve to be happy, regardless if your idea for happy is the same one your family has for you. Sometimes they don't always match and if your family truly loves you, they'll want the happiness YOU seek for you. Not theirs.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-26 01:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] halfabubble.livejournal.com
Y'know, just cos they changed their mind doesn't mean you still can't move out and be who you wanna be. You could explain to them, that the prospect of not living here made you realize that actually you would like to, as your own decision, move out and do your own thing. Take that anger you feel towards them for fucking you over and put it into making an effort to do what you want to do. As parents they should support whatever decision you make in your pursuit for happiness, and if they don't, screw 'em. It's your life. We only have so long.

Therapy will help you bb, I hope the sessions go well *hugs*

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-28 11:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] borg-princess.livejournal.com
You have lit this fire in my soul. God, you make me want to march right out the door and screw the reality check that says right now, I can’t make it on my own.

But the reality is that since moving in with Ma isn’t in the cards anymore, moving out just isn’t going to happen anytime soon. I am determined to get out of the house, but I’m going to have to bide my time. It’s pretty rare for young adults to get approved on the first application here, they’re not trustworthy enough and don’t have the renting history to show that they won’t wreck the place and so on. I know a lot of kids from school who’ve had to wait months before having any success.

Anyway, I’ve had a setback but I won’t let it derail me for good. *nodnod*

Meanwhile, therapy will tide me over. May it do me much good. I wish the counselor much luck in helping me out. *eyeroll*

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-26 02:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kat-rowe.livejournal.com
the counseling is a very good thing, hon, but you should see talk to your Ma about staying with her more than three nights a week. you're a grown woman and in a place to make your own decisions. no one can keep you where you don't want to stay. if nothing else, talk to the counselors and see if you can get them to advocate for you to spend more time with Ma than with your parents. their job is making sure you're able to live the life you need to so, if you explain you're reasoning, they'll help you if they consider it best for you

*hugs you*

hang in there, hon

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-30 12:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] borg-princess.livejournal.com
I think for now, the half-week here and there thing is going to continue as planned. It's hard for Ma being in the middle, and I don't want to put pressure on her to take my side against my mother's, y'know? It was one thing when I was being kicked out, but another when mother came to make peace, because then moving in with Ma smacks of rejection and using her mother to do that to my mother is just...yeah, really unfair on both parties.

Trust me, it took a lot of tears to finally come to that conclusion, though. I was so not cool with it at first. *eyeroll*

Still, I have hope that further down the track, I'll still get to fulfil that plan, just not at the pace I'd expected, but I think it will still happen. Oh, wow, what is this optimism that I feel? How OOC of me! It's a good feeling, though. ^_^

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-30 02:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kat-rowe.livejournal.com
*nods* it's difficult when you're in the middle of family shit like that. just hang in there and know you're in my thoughts and prayers *hug*

optimism is a definite plus. hang in there, hon *hugs you more*

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-26 05:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] weird-fin.livejournal.com
*hug*
I think the others have covered mostly everything, and you're going to feel better after counsellors, so i'll just stand here and smile encouragement

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-29 01:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] borg-princess.livejournal.com
Lol, I appreciate it! Thanks, hon. *tacklehug*

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-26 07:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] luxuria-oceanus.livejournal.com
Sorry to be the one to ask, but why are you seeking professional help exactly?

I mean, fine, I understand you've said you have suicidal thoughts and I'm guessing following that comes bouts of depression, but for you to need professional help... it's very bad, then?

I only ask 'cause I've been on the side of depression (haven't we all?) and I never once went to a therapist (couldn't afford it and it would be a huge shame to the family), so I had to learn how to cope with it myself... if the 'professional help' doesn't always 'help', I'm here, y'know. Via e-mail, owl or floo powder. I'll be right here.

*hugs you* I hope you get to feel better soon, though.

Now onto the family specifics... that sucks ASS.

I know exactly how you must feel! It's like, I'm leaving for Texas in July (did I mention that?) Moving, permanently, ready to start my life over and do so much, and if someone in my family did or said something to keep me here... I'd go bonkers. I'd be back to the same routine of blah and ugh and WAIL because I'm stuck in the same damn hole instead of digging my own and making it pretty (yeah, that sounded better in my head). But, at least you'll be spending some time with your grandma and... I don't know, can't you make your grandmother and parents see that you'd like your stay with your grandma be more permanent? Maybe, if by staying those days with your Ma, she sees that you're better and more motivated, she might offer...? I mean, fuck, even your mother can't object to letting you go if it WILL do you good.

Seriously!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-28 11:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] borg-princess.livejournal.com
Lol, I fell into it by accident! First, my aunt offered the services of her school counselor, who’s a good friend and someone that’s helped her out during tough times, and then the government people told me that I was eligible for free counseling and I figured…why not?

I don’t believe therapy is going to change me radically or do anything to really alter or improve my situation, but I do think that talking things out with unbiased strangers could be some help. Not in the sense that it would stop me throwing myself off a bridge if I was at that point [which I’m not] but that it would clear up some issues of mine.

I know you’re around to lend a sympathetic shoulder and I truly value that, this counseling thing in no way takes the place of the support you and the others have given. I just kinda feel that it would be interesting to see what viewpoint a stranger with no knowledge or stake in the matter has to offer. Whether being removed from it all, with no personal attachment to me or any of my family, would change what I’ve been hearing from other people.

I’m not saying I think any of you have been lying to me or sugarcoating what you really think- although I appreciate it if you have, I would just dissolve like a tissue in water if I discovered I had disgraced myself in your eyes- but I think people are kinder and more tolerant of a friend’s flaws and I’m curious what someone who isn’t fond of me might think. Does that make sense?

Texas! Wow, that is a change and a half! I think it sounds vaguely familiar, but I can't remember any details. Why Texas? Do you know people there or do you have job opportunities there or something? *makes mental note to scour your LJ for clues*

Lol, okay, so FOR ONCE your awesome!sentence-making skills went a little wonky 'coz that thing with digging the hole and whatnot...doesn't work for me. But you're still hilariously accurate and on the money 99.99% of the time so don't worry. :P

can't you make your grandmother and parents see that you'd like your stay with your grandma be more permanent?

I don't want to hope too much at the moment, but Ma's dropping hints that if I just bide my time, when things blow over, maybe we could discuss the idea again. I'm not going to get worked up about it in case it falls through, but I think she wanted to give me some sense that things have a chance of changing and improving if I just go with the flow and hang on for now. It's just she wants to try and preserve the family bond and all that, so letting me move in sends the wrong message and it kinda puts her in an awkward position of taking sides against her daughter, so I understand her reasoning. Fingers crossed the deal's on the table again a few months down the line when it's not so crazy with the parentals.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-04-03 04:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] luxuria-oceanus.livejournal.com
*nod nod* that makes a lot of sense. Hopefully, it will help you, because you really do deserve a peace of mind after all you've been through.

And yes, I think I know what you mean. I don't think I'd have the heart to kick a friend while they're already down, even if it's the right thing to do, to help them... so, yes, I think I know what you mean.

Because I have a very dear friend who for more than a couple of years has been telling me to go be her roommate since things in P.R. aren't going swell for me. They need bilingual people there, even more for the case of teachers, and I don't know, sometimes I feel like Texas has been calling me from day ONE... so, let's see how it goes!

*SNORT* Hey, I can't make flawless sentences all the time :-P

*nod nod* Well, I hope that whatever gets decided in the end has the ability to benefit all, since people should work together to have everyone reach a happy medium instead of having some happy while others stay miserable.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-26 07:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] luxuria-oceanus.livejournal.com
Almost forgot, eye-candy for the soul:



I was watching "Sense and Sensibility" earlier and I immediately thought of you :-) he is most dashing there, is he not?

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-28 11:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] borg-princess.livejournal.com
O.O

There needs to be a smiley shorthand for 'FLAILS/DROOLS/SUFFERS HEART FAILURE/REVIVES AND SQUEES SOME MORE'.

Seriously. *gazes at pic giddily* Oh, teh hawtness. I don't care if most of society doesn't understand my overwhelming love for this man.

*tacklehugs* Thanks for the eye candy, just what I needed!

And lol, what a compliment that you would think of me while watching S&S! *squishes* I wish he was in the movie a lot more! And I wish Marian actually APPRECIATED him more, damn it. [Sometimes I wish he and Elinor had run away together and ditched their respective love interests, I'm sure they'd be happier together]

Heh, I so want to do a Lost in Austen and get inserted into the story so that I can give him the love and affection he deserves. *g* Don't know how Marian doesn't realize how dashing and gallant and thrilling he is. *swoons*

Oh, yes, my AR bias is strong and steady, lol.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-04-03 04:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] luxuria-oceanus.livejournal.com
I knew you'd like it!

You know, I watched the extended (mini series) version of S&S. I thought I was going to dislike it because of the lack of Alan Rickman and, for a while, I didn't like it much, but dude... DUUUUDE. THERE'S A DUELING SCENE BETWEEN HIS CHARACTER AND WICKHAM'S! *.* Why couldn't they let Alan do that scene in the movie?

HA! See, in the miniseries, I kind of DID see a bit of Elinor and him. Marian's just... well, she got her happy ending, not sure if she earned it, but alas, who are we to judge? We can only pout and growl at her, while wishing we WERE her, lucky sod...

(no subject)

Date: 2010-04-03 05:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] borg-princess.livejournal.com
*squishes*

Hmm. You make me want to watch the mini-series. I really have a major grudge against any version that doesn't feature Alan Rickman- ESPECIALLY WHEN IT INCLUDES A DUELLING SCENE HE DIDN'T GET TO DO *criz*- but the fact that there are undertones of Elinor/Brandon...oooh...

Marian's useless. She totally didn't deserve her happy ending- serves her right if she ended up penniless and miserable with Willoughby- but I grit my teeth and tell myself that BRANDON wanted her, so I'll be happy for his sake. Though I would totally make him much happier... :P

I know life in those days wasn't all that romantic fiction makes it out to be, but oh, that I could marry a dashing rich gentleman and live out my days spending his wealth on frivolous things...

(no subject)

Date: 2010-04-03 06:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] luxuria-oceanus.livejournal.com
O.o I just realized... I wrote Wickham instead of Willoughby... Yeah, not my fault, too many characters. I recently watched the movies AND miniseries to all of Jane Austen's adapations. This includes P&P, S&S, Emma, Persuasion, Mansfield Park and Northanger Abbey---that last one only has a movie, not a miniseries, so, yes, my head is full of too many names.

Well, I don't know if you'll catch the undertones, but I did. I mean, seeing him talk to Elinor the way he did and help her with Marian... there were undertones. And dude, in the miniseries, Brandon actually questions Willoughby's intentions with Marian. HE STANDS UP to Willoughby and asks him, "What you planning to do with my woman?" Fine, not in those words, but you get the idea.

Oh, honey *squishes* When I find a way to transport into that world, I'll take you with me. I want to live there, too! The only problem is that I don't have any of the talents a woman is required f in that period. I can't play any instruments, I'm not big on the very old literature, I can do that weird sewing they do and, well, other than my wit and stubborness, I'm pretty much... not very skilled *snort* Sad, but true.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-26 09:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] woodchoc-magnum.livejournal.com
Oh my god, darls...

There's absolutely no way you can still leave? Are they now expressly forbidding you to leave? I say if you're not happy, and your grandmother is happy for you to live with her - then you should leave. It might end up being the best thing for your relationship.

You're in your 20s now, you're not a child - you don't have to live there if you don't want to. Seriously, you can come and live with me! We'll watch Criminal Minds together and eat popcorn and do all sorts of shit that roommates do! lol

As for the therapy, I'm not a huge believer in it myself, but if you want to go and you think it will help you, then I say do it. I want you to be happy more than anything else.

I'm here if you need me. *squish*

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-28 11:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] borg-princess.livejournal.com
No, there’s no chance of me leaving right now. I would have moved in with Ma in a heartbeat, but it wouldn’t be fair on her. To get technical about it, she did tell me that no matter what, her door was always open to me- but it was pretty clear that if I did come to live with her, she’d fret about mother.

Ma so badly wants the two of us to be okay with each other again, and it was just such a miserable evening for me. Mother was there, saying all the right words, offering forgiveness and a chance at rebuilding our relationship, and Ma was just sniffling and wiping away tears in the corner…then we had a chat in private and I started crying when I realized that it was just so much stress on her and that I’d be a terrible person if I took her up on her original offer when she’d be heartbroken at the message that would send, that it would basically mean rejecting mother. Ma loves me and she would have taken me in anyway, if I needed somewhere to go, but I can’t put her in that position with her own daughter, you know? I want to leave more than anything, but if I tore her apart emotionally, I wouldn’t deserve it.

Oh, sweetie… *hugglesquish* Yours is the best offer I’ve had in a long time, I so wish it could happen! It would be a dream come true, honestly. *daydreams about CM marathons with you* We could be unhealthy and junk out on KFC together, it’d be awesome! :D

Re: therapy. I don’t think it’s going to change anything, but it’d be nice to talk to someone that has no stake in the matter. When I talk to my relatives, much as I love them, I have to hold things back because I know that they would take exception to it because they also care about my mother, and I know they want me to feel one way and do things a certain way…talking to a stranger who doesn’t know anyone and is just there to hear me out would be good.

Of course, talking to you guys is a huge help, don’t get me wrong, you always make me feel better- but then I feel like sometimes because you care about me, you might not be as tough on me as I deserve…and to be honest, I really wouldn’t want that sort of tough love, I come here to be in my happy place and if I had my friends blasting me when I do something stupid or wrong…that’d suck. If it’s just a counselor that’s telling me something that hurts or something I don’t want to hear, well, I don’t need to keep seeing them, right? So it all works out…

I'm so glad to have you in my life, you knwo that, right? Love you lots, bb. *hugs*

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-31 03:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] woodchoc-magnum.livejournal.com
To get technical about it, she did tell me that no matter what, her door was always open to me- but it was pretty clear that if I did come to live with her, she’d fret about mother.

Aw, I can understand that.

It's just such a shitty situation though - it seems like no matter what they want, you're going to be unhappy. :(

The problem isn't really with your mother, is it? Isn't it your father who's being the big shithead about everything? :( It just sucks. I don't know what solutions to offer you.

We could be unhealthy and junk out on KFC together, it’d be awesome! :D

It would be totally awesome! So, when do you want to move to North Queensland? ;-)

Re: therapy. I don’t think it’s going to change anything, but it’d be nice to talk to someone that has no stake in the matter.

That's true - they can offer you an unbiased opinion. :)

but then I feel like sometimes because you care about me, you might not be as tough on me as I deserve…

I don't think you need tough love. Life's hard sometimes and we all make mistakes, but it's about picking yourself up and getting on with it, you know? So you dropped out of uni now, who cares? That doesn't mean you can't go back in a few years anyway.

I'm a pessimist when it comes to my favourite TV shows, but when it comes to life I'm an optimist - I always think things will work out for the best. *squish* Feel better, sweetie pie. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-26 12:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] luisa-f.livejournal.com
*hugs* Maybe counseling isn't such a bad idea, I had some counseling too, back when I was in my late teens, early twenties and talking to someone who is not emotionally invested can at least help you relieve some of the emotional baggage. And read books, they'll free your mind, it doesn't matter where you live your mind is free, they cannot have that.

Even if you can't leave you can make the best of the situation, I know it sounds trite but believe me, I know what you're going through and I wish there was a way I could show you that you're going to be okay and in ten years everything will be so much better and this will be nothing but a bad memory. Don't lose hope, really, you will miss so many things, you're just beginning your life, you're a baby, you're so young.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-29 11:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] borg-princess.livejournal.com
talking to someone who is not emotionally invested can at least help you relieve some of the emotional baggage

That's exactly what I think. I don't expect counselors to magically make problems disappear or make you a better person, but even with people that care about you- maybe especially with loved ones- you can't talk to them about everything. Sometimes it's the things that make you feel like a terrible person or like you've failed in some way, or just the petty, spiteful things that we all think but don't say, because we don't want people we respect to think less of us. It's a relief getting that out with someone who has no expectations of you.

I know what you're going through and I wish there was a way I could show you that you're going to be okay and in ten years everything will be so much better and this will be nothing but a bad memory.

You know, just talking to you convinces me that things will be okay. Because I seem to be re-treading the path you took and look at you, I think you turned out well. ;D It's a hopeful sign to me that you also ditched uni, did your own thing and found your own way in the end. If I turn out anything like you, it'll be all right.

And there's the idea these days that you absolutely need to have your career locked in by your early 20s, but I'm young, and I have the rest of my life to figure it out and pull it together, so I'm not going to feel guilty anymore for being clueless about where I want to go. After being submerged in self-loathing and misery for so long, I think I'm finally starting to just let go of it all and hoping for the best. It's a nice feeling.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-26 01:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] silentwilight.livejournal.com
Wow, well don't let what they decide or change their minds on dictate your happiness. If you decide to make a decision and that decision makes you happy stick with it and I'm sure it'll be fine.

I think its a great idea to talk to somebody about all this.

I really hope it all works out for you and you feel better soon! Sorry you have to go through all this! :HUGS:

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-29 01:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] borg-princess.livejournal.com
I am pretty clear on at least one thing that I want for the first time. It's pretty silly considering I have no idea what I want to do with my life and it's kinda terrifying being lost at sea and not knowing how I'm gonna support myself, but I don't think I can figure out what I should do while I'm still with my parents. Because I'm always going to feel the weight of their disapproval and disappointment with me. I may deserve it, after what I did to them, but I can't live like that. So I have one goal for myself, which is a change for the better and at least I'm thinkikng about the future now.

Yay for counselors! I think it must be so frustrating being one, though, having to listen to other people blather on and on about petty difficulties in their lives. But they do good for society, even if some people disparage their profession.

I'm feeling a lot better this week. I've kinda released a deep breath and I'm just working on figuring out how I'm gonna move on from this point. It's freaking me out, but that's what LJ's for, to give me some peace and relief and see to my mental wellbeing, lol. *squishes* Thanks for the good wishes, bb, I appreciate it!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-26 04:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wickedandcruel.livejournal.com
And what exactly is stopping you from living with your grandmother? You can still do it, you're legal, and just b/c now your parents decided that you can stay, doesn't mean they're chaining you up to the bedpost. You can be the grown up and say "I'm sorry mother, but *I* made my decision. I think it's time all of us take a break from each other." And frankly, you should give both you and your parents time to miss each other. It's obvious you have issues to work out, but if living i nthe same house isn't working, then being away is the best choice. Give yourself time to miss them, to see if you miss them, and for them to have a house without you, it may make them cherish your presence more.

Me and my mm get along fine most of the time (in fact we're almost attached to the hip) but there were time in the past where living together was impossible. She was making me miserable, it was awful, I couldn't stand the fighting anymore. So I took my things and planned a week away (the first time I spent a week at a friend's house in a city 9 hours away, in a different state, the second i spent a week at the beach with a couple of friends, 2 hours away from our city) and things were much better when I got back. It gave both of us time to miss the other, to not be able to reach the other at all times, to just be away, it was a relief.

You and your parents don't seem to be particularly close, but the abscense seems to be a good idea, specially in your case. Stay away a month with your grams, ask her to let you stay for a little while. You need to be away from them, and not in a stay out all day and come home at night, you wont have to come home at night and face your parents.

You don't have to move out, just take some time for yourself.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-28 11:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] borg-princess.livejournal.com
The thing that’s stopping me is my grandmother. She didn’t actually retract her offer- she told me I’m always welcome, no matter what- but she clearly wanted mother and me to make up. I could’ve still moved in with her, but she’d’ve been upset that I basically slapped mother in the face after she made the effort to reach out.

It sucks so hard, but I can’t say I blame her, it’s a tough position to be in- she can’t win for losing. She wants both her daughter and me to be happy and if she let me move in with her even after my mother extended the olive branch…I can see how she feels like she’d be betraying her. If I still went through with the original plan, she’d fret about mother’s reaction to it. I just feel so ripped off- when my parents were kicking me out, it was all good, but as soon as they’re okay taking me back, if I buck against it, I’m suddenly the bad guy.

It’s true I’m grown up now and I can make decisions for myself about where I live, but I care about the rest of my relatives, and if I leave now, it’s going to test our relationship. I really don’t care that much about what my parents think, but my grandmother, my mother’s siblings and my cousins have been so supportive of me- despite all the tension with my parents, even though I expected them to take mother’s side- that I can’t lose their good opinion now.

I just need to sit tight, see how things resolve themselves and when it’s a bit calmer, then I can hopefully work out a plan for leaving my parents’ home. But there’s been so much hostility and unpleasantness that I don’t feel I can rock the boat right now. I’m definitely going to explore my options, though, and see if I can end up living somewhere else this year. I think it would definitely improve things between me and my parents if we’re not under the same roof. *eyeroll*

Your idea about ‘absence making the heart fonder’ is very appealing. At the moment, I’m spending half the week at Ma’s and the other half with my parents, so that’s helping a lot but I could do with longer.

I’m glad taking your leave from home helped ease the tension with your mother. I guess missing each other helps you remember why you love one another and to smooth things over once you’re back. It’s great that you two are close and that you’re happy being at home.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-26 06:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] muzzy-olorea.livejournal.com
Oh dear hun! I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Just because your Mum wants you to go home, does it mean you have to? Couldn't you just say it would be better for you to live full time at your Grandma's? =/

*hugs*

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-29 01:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] borg-princess.livejournal.com
Thanks, bb, I'm dealing better with it now, it was just that initial explosion of RARRR and ARRGHH and epic MEHNESS that overwhelmed me before, but it's ebbing now. *sighs*

I would totally have put my foot down and gone ahead with the plan except that it's not fair on Ma. She was really stressed out and upset by the family discord and although she told me I'm always welcome, it was obvious she'd be heartbroken if I basically rejected mother and moved out even after she came to reconcile. I couldn't put Ma in that position of taking my side against her daughter's, it'd be so cruel and unfair on her.

Damn, I hate having to be logical and fair about it. *pouts*

Thanks for having my back on this, I know my f-list must be so tired of the yo-yo angst and flailing from me, but I think it's dying down now, it should be a bit calmer from my side of the world now...

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-26 11:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] spence-reid.livejournal.com
You should just move in with your grandmother and screw what they think. I can't believe they did that to you.
*squish* Love you.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-29 12:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] borg-princess.livejournal.com
Gah, I'm kinda resigned to the fact that any period of blissful happiness will be followed by lashings of angst and misery. It's practically a law now. *sighs*

*hugglesquish*

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-28 11:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sunny-serenity.livejournal.com
Gah! WHAT?!?!?! That'd piss the hell right outta me. I'm just gonna dole it out right here. You should stick to what your ULTIMATE plan is for independence and continue to go about it. Mayhaps you'll have to go a little slower than you'd like but the ULTIMATE plan would still be in place especially if you've resolved yourself to grab at bigger better things for. your. self. I'm not saying be selfish but there has to be some kind of reasoning here especially if they're 'testing' you instead of SUPPORTING you. WTF is THAT? You are ultimately the master of your own fate. Your life in YOUR hands. You're an adult they can't make you do anything. Life is about choices not living by someone's leave. BAH! I'm so upset for you... maybe I'm being emo in my rant here because of some stuff going on in my life but NO ONE has the right to dictate how you live.

All that being said, YES, get help if you need it. It does you wonders. Puts stuff in perspective. *HUGS & KISSES* *SMOOSH* Love ya sweetie.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-29 11:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] borg-princess.livejournal.com
Mayhaps you'll have to go a little slower than you'd like but the ULTIMATE plan would still be in place

That's exactly it. I'm still focused on getting out of the parentals' place, but it's gonna be a slow campaign rather than the swipe-my-gear-and-run that I'd planned. *sighs over lost plans* It was such an epic mindfrak that there's no way things can go back to the way they were before- I don't know how they could think that they could make me think that I was going to be leaving and fending for myself, then yank me back like a yo-yo and expect nothing to have changed. It was only for a short period, a few days, but my whole mindset was altered, y'know? So yeah, definitely still planning on leaving if only I can make things fall into place, even if I have to bide my time til it works out.

especially if they're 'testing' you instead of SUPPORTING you

*eyeroll* That's been my parents' MO since forever. On one memorable occasion, they stopped talking to me for a week over some infraction I didn't even know they were pissed about. So I got angry and just figured screw them, so I didn't do the chores or anything, and it was only when I stopped eating that mother finally spoke up and mentioned some little thing that I didn't even realize was such a major offense and that they were giving me the 'opportunity to prove you are an adult'. Obviously, I'd failed because I neglected my duties and it was just like...um, wtf? If they were angry about something, talking to me might've helped rather than just ignoring me for a week! But that's their MO, test the girl instead of working out their issues.

maybe I'm being emo in my rant here because of some stuff going on in my life but NO ONE has the right to dictate how you live

Ohnoes, we all have crappage going on. *squishes* I'm guessing independence and the freedom to live life by your own rules rather than on someone else's terms are the major themes in your problems. Best of luck that it works out, sweetie. *huggleglomps*

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-29 03:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fragilemorning.livejournal.com
Aww! Man, your parents kind of scare me? (Is that okay to admit that..because they kind of remind me of mine).
Aww. Maybe this is for the best? *HUGS*

(no subject)

Date: 2010-03-29 11:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] borg-princess.livejournal.com
Lol, they scare me, too!
And holy crap, it's weird that my relationship with my parents resembles the relationship a lot of my flisters have with their parents. Maybe someone should do a study on the effect of negative parental interactions and increased activity on the net and in fandom, lol.

*squishes* I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it will work out for the best.

fml

Date: 2010-04-03 09:05 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Today, I broke up with my fiance. We were planning to get married at the end of the year. It all happened yesterday morning when a letter to my fiance appeared under the door. He opened it, and it was intimate photos of me and my ex. I didn't know until he left he sms'd me saying he doesn't want to be with me anymore. (ex bf) youFML

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