marguerite_krux | (no subject)

‘A man’s going round taking names

He decides who to free and who to blame

Everyone won't be treated all the same…’

-Johnny Cash

I just watched this Criminal Minds ep where Morgan and Reid are in the unsub’s room, and Reid says, ‘His clothes are all black’, then the camera pans over to Morgan eyeing this poster that looks startlingly familiar and I can almost but not quite place it, though it makes me think of guitars and skateboards, then he goes, ‘Yeah, just like Johnny Cash’ and I explode because HEE, SHEP REFERENCE. Well, not quite, but the two are synonymous in my head now.

I love this pic. No idea where I got it from, but if there are more, please guide me...

Other than knowing that Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon starred in this biopic on his life, I really don't know much about Johnny Cash but if that’s his music being played throughout the ep, then kill me now because it is awesome. Shep has good taste, and there's this one song I love love LOVE, it’s all like angsty and emo and will totally get me into the mood to write angsty!emo!Shep for this fic I’m trying to motivate myself to do, so bonus! Therefore I must get my hands on a cd or two. [I’m sad that way. I had to watch ‘When Harry Met Sally’ after Elizabeth mentioned it in ‘Sunday’]

Anyway, the disturbing thing is that Morgan went on to say, ‘So, he identifies with misunderstood loners’- aww! *huggles Shep*- ‘I wish all our unsubs would tack their profiles up on the wall like this’. O.o That kinda worries me in relation to Shep’s mental state. Hmm. It’s funny how that profile of Shep doesn’t really sync up with his role on the show. People like O’Neill and Mitchell/Crichton are the stereotypical hero types; confident, swaggering, sarcastic and all. Sometimes come off as shallow. Shep’s the hero of the show, he’s the guy that everyone wants to be friends with, he saves the day and gets the girl, but that doesn’t reflect his real character or personality. That’s what he *does*, not what he *is*.

Shep falls more into the Mulder category of protagonist, the loner, the unwanted black sheep of their respective organizations, the maverick. There are underlying *issues*, vulnerability, doubts. Low self-esteem, feeling that their life is of little value; how many times has Mulder recklessly endangered himself to find the truth, how many suicide missions has Shep departed on?

There is the mission that fuels them both, that enables them to achieve even against the odds while also burning bridges along the way. And dude, how much could Mulder’s search for Samantha parallel Shep’s vow to find Elizabeth if the bloody PTB would cooperate and let Elizabeth mean something to the show? Something more than a reference once or twice in a season, kthxbai. They’ve already kinda gone there with her Asura!beth clone in TMC, which smacks of the Samanthas in countless X-files eps.

Now, leaving character analysis behind, how about my walls, what do they say about me? I’ve covered up as much of them as I can, even though it meant leaving up a few ‘commercial’ posters, pop culture people like Rihanna, Gwen Stefani, The Veronicas. I like their music, but I don’t *need* them. Same with my ‘OC’ section, it’s a show I used to like and it has pretty people in it but the only reason I haven’t taken the posters down is because I don’t have anything to color up that wall, so it stays. What does that mean? I don’t like blank canvases, I need things to mean something around me?

The posters that do represent me are the sci-fi ones: my Star Trek section- mainly Voyager, I haven’t watched it in ages but it still matters to me; Stargate SG-1; a few SGA posters of Shep and Weir, and a calendar; but the heaviest concentration is of Mary McDonnell and BSG. The unique thing about the latter is that I printed these posters myself, rather than getting them from magazines. I fell the hardest for that show, much quicker than for any other, so too bad it’s in its final season. I think once I’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s over, I’ll dive back into SGA, maybe print out some posters and finally take down the OC.

On a different tangent...I get these emails from ‘Sara Freder’, some psychic chick who cares about me and wants to see me make the most of my life and become a success and experience love and joy, puppies and rainbows, win money and fame. I hate people like that who target those who are vulnerable and needy and will put their faith in tricksters because they’re so desperate they think it’s the only way they’ll ever get on in life. I mean, parts of her email really speak to me, but I guess it’s worded so that it’ll strike a chord with most people who read it.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I know your problems are crushing you,

I know these problems are crippling and choking you, and I also know they are keeping you from making the right initiatives and the energetic decisions that will positively change the course of your existence.

I also know, Annie , and I've already seen it, that you no longer have the resources you need to cope and struggle with this gale of difficulties that's consuming your life. You even have this bizarre impression that someone or something is making fun of you and hampering everything you do.

I also know that no one has been able or willing to give you the help you need because no one has really tried to understand you or your problems, and no one was ever able to find the right solution, the right way to help you.

Nevertheless, you have always felt this "barrier" that prevented you from acting to obtain what you deserve in life.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Look, yeah, this is all pretty generic and could apply to like, 90% of the population. But it’s still kind of like, omg, she understands. Yes, I am struggling, yes, I feel like I’m alone, yes, I have a mental block that won’t let me achieve. HELP MEEEE.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

However, I have been able to see in your past this great deception that's still consuming you. You may have tried hard to block the recollection of this trauma, caused by someone for whom you cared so much that it felt like a huge treason, but the feeling still remains inside you today.

This profound deception has marked all your life, like a bleeding wound that never healed. It brings so much pain into your heart, especially since you are not trying to treat this painful past consciously. What you are left with is a great bitterness that remains within you and invades your spirit. This old pain you never got around to treating is like a deadly poison, much worse than you could ever imagine, a deadly poison that paralyzes you and renders you powerless before adversity. It is without doubt one of the fundamental reasons why you lack positive personal potential and this is, beyond any doubt, the real cause of all your problems today.

Indeed, there are times when you live great and beautiful moments of enthusiasm, but what follows are terrible moments of profound despair. This is the telltale sign that your past keeps playing tricks on you.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

This is just scary. That’s exactly what I feel, that’s exactly what’s happening. Ok, so it wasn’t so much ‘deception’ as ‘abandonment’, but it felt like a betrayal, it hurt me badly and yeah, it makes me bitter. This person ‘for whom I cared so much’ isn’t exactly the cause of my powerlessness or plummeting potential, but was my source of inspiration and motivation and is the reason I studied so hard and kept persevering and scored an ENTER in the 90’s. All my problems started when I got left behind and it felt like nothing mattered, that I was nothing, that life was meaningless and all that angsty crap that you’re supposed to leave behind in your teens. Sorry, parents, I may be 20 but I’m still the same drama queen as ever. I haven’t dealt with that whole situation, I have no closure and I guess that’s why the whole thing about unhealed wounds and deadly poison hits home, no matter how cynical I am about her motives.

I really want to believe her, that she can fix me, but how can it not smell of scam when I come across references to Magical Lucky Medallions, Special Occult Aid, Special Pentacle of the Unicorn and a bunch of other stuff that starts out free but then graduates to ‘discounted’ and ends up asking for between $30-50. So much for wanting to help me just because I’m a great person that deserves better. Blech.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Read the autobiography. Johnny's not Shep's. Great book. Will comment on this later with more to say. No time now. But I noticed similarities and been abusing them in my fics for quite some time.

There comes another fic soon, with John and Johnny Cash references. ;)

Johhny was awesome. Was listening to him today at work.

Read the autobiography. Johnny's not Shep's.

Hee. You know, I totally overlooked the similarity in names til just then. I know, I know, it should be obvious but the simple addition of 'ny' at the end of his name obscured it in my mind. Missing the trees for the forest and all. *rolls eyes*

But for the split second when my brain entertained the thought that Shep had an autobiography, I was super intrigued. I haven't seen season 4, so I don't even know the additional details of his background, apparently the writers shared some stuff about his family life, and that ex-wife, although I'm more interested in the family dynamics.

And you know, speaking of autobiographies, I always wondered how and what McKay wrote in that 'story of Elizabeth's life' that he handed to her in Tao of Rodney. I'd so read it. Heck, I'd BUY it if some author decided to make it a project of theirs.