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marguerite_krux) wrote2008-09-06 04:48 pm
An Exercise in Futility Pt 4
Summary: In the midst of their 'discussion', Shep has an epiphany about Elizabeth Weir.
Rating: Fluffishness creeps in. Still nothing trauma-causing.
Disclaimer: If SGA were mine, we'd've had more Sparky focused eps. *nods firmly*
A/N: I’ve been inspired by this quote, “It seems to me that the best relationships- the ones that last- are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is…suddenly the only person you can every imagine yourself with…”
Exercise in Futility Pt 4
Awakening
“What the hell were you thinking?” he demanded later, when he discreetly dragged Ronon out of the infirmary so that Elizabeth wouldn’t overhear the discussion. “What was that- what were you trying to- what possessed you? Are you on crack?”
To say he had been agitated was perhaps an understatement.
“It was-” the Satedan had a rare expression of embarrassment on his face, and finished in a low mutter, “An accident, Sheppard.”
“An accident,” he repeated in disbelief. “You kick my ass in the gym on a regular basis, you get Teyla to offer you some decent competition when wiping the floor with the new recruits becomes boring, and yet it’s Dr Weir that ends up damn near concussed?”
“I heard a woman approaching me, and I believed Teyla was launching another attack.” Noting the baffled look on John’s face, he explained, ‘Part of our training, so we don’t get too relaxed. To keep us vigilant. This galaxy isn’t kind to people who aren’t prepared for trouble.” He looked away. “I didn’t expect Weir to be coming around to…bond or whatever.”
“Yeah, I wouldn’t expect her to be doing that again anytime in the near future, not the way you just treated her.”
“Look, the doc said that she’s all right, she said she has no hard feelings, why are you the one out here getting angry on her behalf?”
“You were my responsibility. I was supposed to make sure you settled in all right and that nothing happened,” the rancor in his tone stemmed as much from his failure to make sure the adjustment went smoothly as with Ronon’s actions. “She could’ve said no. She had enough reason to…heck, just on principle because I didn’t actually get the OK before extending you the invite to Club Atlantis.”
“Aren’t you supposed to be in charge around here?” Ronon frowned. “You’re the military commander, it’s your call.”
“That isn’t the point of-”John let out a deep breath, exasperated. “Well, I guess our hierarchy wouldn’t make much sense to newcomers. Yeah, I run the military operations but she’s technically my boss. This is a civilian outpost, we get funding mainly from civilian organizations. Speaking of which, I know the IOA probably gave her hell for approving the addition of another alien to the team but she backed up my decision anyway.” He spun and slammed a fist into the wall, utterly fed up with the universe. “Damn it!” It was dumb, it solved nothing but it was all he could do without hurting anyone else. He pulled his arm back to do it again but Ronon smoothly shifted to block him. “Hey, I know the idea of me warning you might be laughable but I’m not in the mood to pull my punches right now.”
Ronon sighed. “Sheppard, it’s hard for me to say this but…you’re a fool. Get over your habit of blaming yourself for everything. Look, if it means that much to you, I’ll go to the mainland and pick Weir some flowers or whatever it is women like when they want guys to grovel. Teyla can give me some hints. Just stop acting like this is all your fault. Seriously, McKay gets more upset over a stubbed toe than she is about this whole thing.” He paused, considering for a moment. “Which is good, since you basically told me you have no authority and she can kick me out anytime.”
“Your sense of remorse is overwhelming,” John said sarcastically.
Ronon was unfazed. “You’re lucky she puts up with the both of us. Now that I know what she could do, it was decent of her not to make things harder. Especially when you were going around behind her back.”
“Just a second ago you were telling me to get rid of my overactive guilt reflex, and now you want to put the blame in my court,” John said incredulously. “Way to change the subject. So, just for future reference, here’s the main rule. You want to kill as many Wraith as you can, fine, that’s become our main priority lately, but you do not beat up on the leader of Atlantis again, you hear?”
Ronon rolled his eyes. “Relax, I’ve got it already.”
--
“Consider me officially informed on the rules of engagement,” Elizabeth said dryly. “Retrospectively, but at least now I know to loudly announce my identity the next time I approach Ronon.”
“It was an honest mistake. And he apologized. Profusely, considering the source.”
“You know, I think that was the most he has ever said to me,” she said musingly. “It actually surpassed the cumulative word count from every other conversation we’ve had since he came to Atlantis.”
“That was probably when he started to thaw to you. He definitely respected you more after that.”
“And merely at the cost of a blinding headache afterwards,” Elizabeth winced at the memory, then pursed her lips and looked at him thoughtfully.
This is it, John thought with relief. She was softening at last.
“You brought me tea that afternoon. Vilest stuff I’d ever tasted, but it really helped ease my headache.”
“Brewed it myself. I can be thoughtful that way,” he said nobly, and was rewarded with a slight twitch of her lips that may have been a smile quickly stifled. Now he knew that she wasn’t in a blind unreasoning mood anymore, and it was safe to move the threat assessment level down a notch or two.
He wasn’t naïve enough to think this was over, she was still irritated and willing to let him know it, but at least she would be more open to hearing him out and tolerating their usual easy banter. It had been second nature for so long, he’d found it odd to tread cautiously around her and censor his remarks. Made him shudder to think what it would be like to have Elizabeth pissed at him for a whole week if getting the icy treatment for one day was this difficult to endure. When had he become so fixated on winning a smile from her every time they talked? How long had he been reliant on the warmth in her eyes, the peace and comfort gained from being in her presence?
And what had deluded him into thinking that something like an office could ever be a suitable refuge in her absence? He couldn’t find safety in things anymore, he had found it in her, even though he wasn’t one to put his faith in people, even though he’d learnt the hard way that particular path led to disappointment and pain.
But she had never let him down, not once. Far from it, she’d built him back up, restoring parts of his soul that had been chipped away piece by piece over the long hard years that he had waged war against the enemy, fought to stand his ground against his detractors in the military, struggled with himself for all his faults, all his failures, perceived and real. It wasn’t just that she believed in him, although that alone would have been a great gift.
The thing was, John knew that some people in the city had a skewed perception of him as this big damn hero of mythic proportions, the dashing white knight in shining armor that saved the day and got the girl to boot. McKay never tired of ridiculing him over his Kirking reputation and making cracks about being a glory-hound, seeking out fame and attention. Lorne and Cadman were not shy about keeping him up-to-date with the latest gossip from his so-called fanclub, which he sincerely hoped was a gigantic hoax of theirs, but he’d seen enough glances- furtive and blatant- from some of the women around the city to give him the sinking feeling that it might actually exist. In which case he so had to create a Lorne Appreciation group if only to have something to hold over his second-in-command, because this imbalance of power between the ranking military officer and his subordinate was criminal. In any case, it seemed that barely anyone in the city knew him, really knew him, even his own teammates were in the dark about a lot of the events that had shaped his character. Confidences had never been easy for him.
But Elizabeth knew most of the skeletons in his closet already, she had one of the highest security clearances on Earth, she’d read his file and he figured she probably knew as much as General O’Neill did. If there had been any gaps in her knowledge of his history, John knew O’Neill would have filled her in before allowing her to make the decision to enlist him in the Atlantis expedition. And she had accepted all that he was, none of it had given her pause; she had remained so determined to take him on that in the end, she’d roped the General into convincing- practically commanding- him to sign up for another galaxy because he was needed. He’d thought that display of influence was nothing short of extraordinary, seeing as how he’d made himself persona non grata with his way of playing fast and loose with the rules, but then a year later, John had found himself promoted to Lieutenant Colonel. And he had a strong suspicion that she had been involved in getting the military to acknowledge and honor him like that. He couldn’t think of anyone he owed more than Elizabeth, who had single-handedly turned his life around.
All things considered, it would come as no surprise that he respected and admired her greatly. But it was more personal than mere gratitude, his regard for her was more than just the sum of what she had done for him.
He thought of all the little moments in between the hectic dangerous missions, the quiet moments when he lounged on her couch, lazily glancing through some report while she worked and occasionally played Solitaire and he entertained himself trying to figure out whether he could distract her or not…the breaks they took on the balcony, rarely explicitly arranging to meet there but knowing instinctively when the other might be out gazing over the ocean, deep in thought, and would welcome some company…the debriefings where his team squabbled in a friendly manner, requiring Elizabeth to step in and remonstrate them like children- a familiar routine that never lost its appeal- and he would meet her eyes in an expression of laughing remorse, if he was one of the culprits, or long-suffering martyrdom if he was innocent. And afterwards, he would wait behind while the rest of his team took off and give his own informal debriefing, discussing the tourist potential of particular planets, quirky local customs, tasty dishes he could recommend; now and then he’d present her with some little trinket he’d picked up from friendly marketplaces, just because…
It was startling to realize what she had come to mean to him, the significance of her presence in his life slowly dawning on him. He had always gravitated to her from the beginning, even with the push-and-pull conflict at the beginning of their professional relationship, but he’d never anticipated things becoming this personal. There wasn’t one clearly defined moment when they bridged the gap between colleagues and friends, when work lunches became a chance to catch up, when polite trivialities became teasing banter, when it became a tradition for her to sit with him at Movie Night and steal his popcorn… when the shields of formality governing the tone of conversation between two leaders were dropped in favor of brutal honesty and hurt feelings and irrational anger. Much as he disliked the infrequent occasions when Elizabeth lost her temper with him, if that was the price for the greater intimacy of their friendship, he would pay it and gladly.
Because somewhere along the road, when he wasn’t paying attention, the world had suddenly spun on its axis and spiraled out of its rotation, drifting through the galaxy before finding a new star to hold as its constant, a brilliant new sun around which to revolve. Everything had changed. And even though it was disconcerting how much of his sense of worth was tied up in this one woman, how she gave meaning to the most ordinary of moments, he couldn’t imagine life any other way.
--
A/N: Yeah, it may seem sudden and all for Shep to suddenly realize ‘oh wow, Lizabeth means a heck of a lot to me’, but I figure if the two of them are rubbing along just fine as co-workers and friends and nothing shakes up that status quo, then it’s easy to overlook just how important they find each other, whereas when there’s tension and things get a little messy, it prompts some re-evaluation of their relationship, professional and otherwise.
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Also, it really works for them. It'd be just like John to have an epiphany about his feelings for Elizabeth then. xD
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It'd be just like John to have an epiphany about his feelings for Elizabeth then.
Heh, I'm glad you think so! :D
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Yeah, it's a fun ep. Coming into it, I wouldn't have thought the X-Files would be good at funny, but oddly enough they were *g*
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X-files did funny quite well. I don't think any of the later efforts ever surpassed Jose Chung's From Outer Space, a few even annoyed me by thinking that jerk!Mulder and bimbo!Scully was funny, but the intelligent sensitive parodies like RK are so good. I wish BSG had done more comedy like TMUTMD. I love that ep so much ['this is a nuclear reactor for frak's sake!'] and then it went all unrelenting dark after that promising start. Darn it.
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I made that icon as soon as I stopped laughing over the fic... :D
*nods* There was so much funny potential with BSG and they got so very angsty and dramatic, which isn't bad per se, but I like funny. Especially when it's funny in space ;D