marguerite_krux (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
marguerite_krux) wrote2007-11-04 12:26 am
marguerite_krux) wrote2007-11-04 12:26 am
Entry tags:
I'm sorry
Netty, if you want to say something...
I don't want to mess this up too.
I want to fix this.
I never thought I could hurt you.
I never meant to make you feel bad about yourself.
Or to guilt you into behaving a certain way around me.
I don't take you for granted. I appreciate everything that you do for me.
And to read this?
"I consider my best friend to be my cousin [Annie]...cherish my friendship with Annie... She has...provided a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen...never passed judgement on me, but only when necessary...and on the plus side, she is my cousin!
Wow. It touches my heart. It's so good to hear that. You don' t know how much that means to me.
What happened to us?
What can I do?
I never thought I could hurt you.
I never meant to make you feel bad about yourself.
Or to guilt you into behaving a certain way around me.
I don't take you for granted. I appreciate everything that you do for me.
And to read this?
"I consider my best friend to be my cousin [Annie]...cherish my friendship with Annie... She has...provided a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen...never passed judgement on me, but only when necessary...and on the plus side, she is my cousin!
Wow. It touches my heart. It's so good to hear that. You don' t know how much that means to me.
What happened to us?
What can I do?
I don't want to mess this up too.
no subject
I'm sorry for ever putting up that ridiculous entry I made yesterday. I don't want you to feel bad about what I wrote...it seriously was never my intention...yesterday was just one of my lowest points in my life where I felt like my life was so obsolete and repetitive and I'd never result to anything more than ordinary...and I took it out on the one person that's been with me who understands what I go through.
everything that I wrote above was true...every word of it...I'm just sorry I wrote what I wrote yesterday :[. I know you won't believe me when I say this, but I was really angry at myself, and took it out on the wrong person. I was angry at myself for letting those things get to me...when I wrote:
"I just want to tell her sometimes...that the things that happen in your life, are not your fault, but how you shape your life from that stage, is entirely up to you. Your life, is how you make it! It is no-one else's fault how your life turns out, but your own... Yes life can throw you a curve-ball, but how you handle that situation is up to you.
You make choices with the opportunities that are presented to you...and you either learn from it..or you move on...there are no mistakes in life...they are just another learning process in finding out who you are...!!! yes, that is what it is...without those learning processes, or mistakes if you must, you would not be the person that you are today...
but to hold onto the grievances in life, and to let the hatred fester will never bring you happiness...will never cleanse your conscience and will always leave a stain on your soul...."
this was more for me then it was for you. Just giving my thoughts a name was easier for me to write what I wrote...and I'm sorry that I used your name...but it just made me realize that if I don't take chances in things that I want to then I will live with the regret forever until the end of my days...also, I shouldn't let things fester in my mind because what you hate so much, I'm afraid sometimes I might turn into...so I'm trying to turn over a new leaf...that means embracing my attributes rather than marking it as a fault [e.g. being shy], taking the comment or advice into consideration rather then thinking the whole world is out to get you and not being so afraid of the unknown. I don't know if any of this makes sense to you...
in the bulk of it all, the real reason I wrote what I wrote was just to vent out my frustration in penmenship...more innocent [i thought] than venting it out physically which I know you've seen 1st hand.
no subject
Annie, you don't run over me...but really, you do say that and you do elaborate to me that that is how you feel sometimes...like you're taking advantage of me...when I've told you several times what I do for you is out of love and NOT because you're taking advantage of me.
"What am I trying to prove myself right about?That you’re naïve and gullible? About WHAT, OMG? I can’t even defend myself because I don’t know which occasion you might be referring to, or when I said something you might have misinterpreted or whatever. "
This comment was not meant entirely for you...it was just meant in general for the people who I thought had a real connection with, in the end, turned their backs on me for unknown reasons...
also I think it was related to me THINKING [ASSUMING more like it] that I thought you thought I was weak and easily manipulated...but I know now that you don't think that of me.
I am so sorry for putting you through this Annie.
"Did I call you weak? When did I ever call you weak and gullible? Okay, I do say that you’re too nice, sometimes, but you can’t blame me for that. Only child here. I was born to be selfish and self-serving. Of course it’s hard for me to understand why you’re so giving and kindhearted. And OMG I NEVER BUTCHERED YOU."
[sigh] again my own insecurities...you have never said it to me, but Lisa told me beginning of last year that you thought I was what I mentioned above...and I never thought that that was what you thought of me...and honestly it did hurt, and I did let it fester and it came out in the entry which it wasn't suppose to, because we were different people back then...hardly saw each other and hardly understood the difficulties we faced during that stage in our lives...even though sometimes they were psychological problems [in my case with Andrew...]...I have an idea of what you think of me now and it's been affirmed by what you wrote
"Strength? I believe you have plenty, and you don’t seriously believe I ever said you didn’t? Or maybe I gave that impression but I don’t actually ascribe to that belief. You’ve been through situations I couldn’t even being to imagine or handle myself. And I’m freaking out at the possibility that you really think I’m this nasty and denigrating and have such a low belief of you..."
which I'm really happy about...[thankyou Annie]...but like I said before, I was talking more about myself when I said how you choose to live you life is your choice, and how you choose to move on from a situation is your choice...about the letting stuff fester thing...
yes that was just an old wound surfacing at my lowest point which was yesterday.
no subject
everything that I do for you, give to you, anything really...I do because I love you...not because I feel like I have an obligation due to the Belgium incident which I know now from you when you bring it up is just a joke [but I can't help my feelings sometimes when it's mentioned because I relive it like it was yesterday and cannot comprehend how I was THAT before]...but because I want to...because I think you deserve kindness when you think miasma trails your every movement...LORD knows you've shown me that same kindness in my time of need...and yes, I do the things that I do, NOT out of obligation...just to let that little piece of information sink in. And I am sorry, for making you comment 5 times to let it sink in that you're sorry, for making a big deal out of nothing, and for my stupidity...I HOPE that you can find it in your heart, to forgive me...
Love you lots Annie, I hope you know that!!!
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no subject
"I know you won't believe me when I say this, but I was really angry at myself, and took it out on the wrong person. I was angry at myself for letting those things get to me..."
Why wouldn't I believe you? I'm the mastermind of making hurtful comments to other people to detract from my own misery. It's easier to snap at people when you're feeling low than it is to make nice and pretend like everything's just perfect. I get it and you know I'm always here for you if you need to whinge or gripe or moan or snark about someone. ;) It's a natural enough human instinct. At least, that's how I justifify it to myself!
"Annie, you don't run over me...but really, you do say that and you do elaborate to me that that is how you feel sometimes...like you're taking advantage of me...when I've told you several times what I do for you is out of love and NOT because you're taking advantage of me."
*iz shocked*
You turned my own words against me? Tsk, tsk, that's actually kind of funny. It's basically a lesson not to harp on about your faults because other people will start buying into it if you whinge enough, lol.
"Lisa told me beginning of last year that you thought I was what I mentioned above...we were different people back then...hardly saw each other and hardly understood the difficulties we faced during that stage in our lives..."
Hmm, I'd like to say that I never would've said that, but you know me when I get angry and bitter, I lash out at everyone. I can't imagine saying that to Lisa, though! I mean- you're the one I go to for emotional counselling. Though if I was having problems with you, I guess you'd be the last person I'd talk to, duh, but still. Hmm. Whatever mistaken ideas I was operating under then, you're right, I barely knew you. Sociology sucks but at least it brought us together- what with the skipping of lectures and consumption of chocolate by the lake and all. ;) GO, SOC!
"And I am sorry, for making you comment 5 times to let it sink in that you're sorry, for making a big deal out of nothing, and for my stupidity...I HOPE that you can find it in your heart, to forgive me..."
Nothing to forgive. You were upset, I was hoping I wasn't really the cause of it, and we straightened things out. Glad we talked!
PS. Talk to me more. On LJ. I need to look popular, lol. OH, I know, you said that I don't need social validation and stuff, but I'm shallow like that, 'kay? Part of my charm. ;)