marguerite_krux | 'Cut my life into pieces...'

I didn’t want to do this on LJ. I left myspace because all I was doing was this angsty emo shit and I thought if I just focused on happy shiny fandom things, I could ignore it. But it’s like the elephant in the room. And I’m doing this a lot lately but denial isn’t working too well, so catharsis it is.

I’m ruining my life. If only I could blame someone else, or delude myself into thinking it's not my fault, but it is. I keep fucking up and each time, I don’t get back up and try, I just dig a deeper hole for myself. And my parents are sick and tired of it, and I get that, because if I was saddled with a daughter like me, I’d want to cut ties and disown her too. My father made it pretty clear yesterday that if I go down this path, he’s not going to support me anymore, regardless of what mother thinks. Fair enough. He’s a jerk, yes, but he’s hard-working and super dedicated to his job and why waste his effort on someone who’s never going to be worthy of his respect? I’m 20 years old, I’m supposed to be capable and independent by now, but- wow, that’s not going to happen.

There are people that believe in me and try to make me see the light and I want to but it never lasts. I don’t want to disappoint everyone but I won’t make the effort to avoid that outcome. People keep going on about my ‘potential’ and how ‘smart’ I am and yet.

And yet nothing. I don’t care. I don’t give a damn about anything that’s meaningful or important in life. So I’ll skip uni all semester and then show up for exams without studying and fail. No matter how much I regret it afterwards, no matter what promises I make, I fall back into that routine each time.

So now I’m being told that if it happens again this time, I’m supposed to leave uni and get a job and do something useful. Which frankly, I would’ve thought would motivate me given how absolutely terrified I am of anything to do with the real world and interacting with actual people outside of fandom and family. But no, I’m still doing my best to screw up my life.

I’m just so tired of this routine. I’m so tired of wasting my life like this. I’m so afraid of having to go and get a job, but I won’t do what it takes to make sure I pass my units and actually succeed. I can recognize how fucked up that is but I don’t want to do anything other than obsess over fandom. It’s a substitute for the life I have that I don’t want. Which is stupid because- I mean, god, my life is great compared to so many people out there, kids being abused or neglected or living on the streets with no shelter or food. I’ve got it good. I’ve got all these opportunities and privileges and luxuries and I’m just wasting it all. My life is charmed and all I can think about is how much I hate living. Ten years from now, I’m going to look back and curse at myself for being such a dumbass.

But that’s the problem. I’ve never been able to see myself five years or ten years or however far off in the future. I’ve never contemplated having a future. When I was a kid, all I’d think was that I’d finish school and then I’d die. That’d be it. That simple. And nothing's changed since then.

I don’t have dreams or ambitions, I don’t have something I can work for, something I want to achieve. I just- want it to end. And I wish there were euthanasia centers- like, you can go somewhere and get an abortion, right, I just wish you could go somewhere and get a pill or an injection or something and just die peacefully, without any fuss or bother. Because there's no point in going on if you're headed nowhere.

I don't understand why I feel like I can't cope when I've never faced a real challenge in my life, other than my own self-sabotage. And I don't want to wallow in self-pity, which is why I can't talk to anyone I know about how I feel because- hey, my life is awesome, I should be on my knees thanking every deity in every known religion for blessing me like this. It's so ungrateful of me to throw it back and reject it like this. If I could brainwash myself into these brand new attitudes, I totally would but I can't change the way I see things.

Actually, I did try to talk to Netty about it once. But it was pointless because she told me, basically, that I need to try harder. I know that already. I don't have difficulty seeing how I SHOULD be, I just can't reconcile that with who I am. If I tried and failed, that would be one thing, but not even summoning the will to try at all? Lame. Seriously lame. I get it. Change is good, change is necessary, I'm with that, but it's not happening. Just isn't.

In other news, I felt even shittier this weekend than I thought possible. Katherine cancelled our plans- she was busy with work or something. I don't know. I probably believe her, but it doesn't really matter. I haven't seen her in months, but finally we make plans, and I told her, this is the last chance we'll get because I can't do anything til after the exams, so not til after Feb but no, she blithely cancels on me, says 'raincheck' and to let her know when I'm free when I already made it fucking clear that I can't see her for another month. Like she cares. It doesn't matter to her because she has so many other friends. But she's all I've got. It matters a hell of a lot to me but- no, she doesn't give a damn. Way to make me feel more worthless, bitch.

*takes a deep breath* Something a little more positive now...let's see...Yay for Papa Roach and Linkin Park. The best music for when I'm in this mood. Seriously, Linkin Park is so unbelievably cool, their lyrics speak to my soul. It's exactly what I'm feeling. Uncanny.

Threaded | Flat

You know what, just because you live what you think is a charmed life doesnt mean you cant feel empty and unable to focus on anything. I think you should talk to someone, do they have a counseling center at uni? Seriously, these are not good feelings to have. And I know I only know you through fandom and have only read your colorful, crazy posts that girl lives inside you too, and you know, you can make something you are interested in your major, like journalism or film or something like that.

Follow your own beat but do it inside the parameters given to you. But first I think you should seek out an unbiased third party to talk to. And you are only 20, you shouldnt necessarily be independent and capable. Everyone is different and sometimes that is what parents have the hardest time grasping. We all grow up at different rates, speeds and capacities.

You seem like a witty, intelligent girl....maybe you arent being stimulated enough, you seem so underwhelmed with school. But there are probably more things it can offer and that's why you should talk to someone there. They can tell you things you might not even know about.

I am rooting for you, I like you. And you can always hit me up at my email mcgarrygirl78@gmail.com if you want to blow off steam.

Something a little more positive now
Um, I'll be down in Melbourne for the Avalon Air show in March if you wanna get together and have lunch? We can rock it up in Melbourne and do fun and silly stuff and talk about fandom to our heart's content ♥

Also, I'm in the same boat. I work full time and I'm studying at Uni, but the only reason I'm studying is to find something in life that I can aspire to do. I don't even really want to study even though I love learning. I want to be able to work towards a goal in life but right now? I have nothing, except working to travel. And once I thought that was enough, but it's not. Someday I'll need to get another job and I really have no official qualifications. I get what you're feeling because I was like that as well, except after school I decided to skip Uni and go straight to working.

I still have no answers at 25. I work, and in my free time I focus my energy on loving what I love. Which, yeah...is mostly fandom. ;P

True, I'm not pressured in any direction from my parents. Dad's only annoying because of his frequent "You Need A Man" speeches. "I'm worried about you, Amanda. You should be wanting to get married. Don't you want kids?" NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! OMG shut up. One of your 4 children is married and has 2 kids, what more could you want, Dad? *sighs and rolls eyes*

Ever wanted to see California? Come live with me and we can both try to figure out what on *earth* we want or should do with our lives!

In the meantime-- *virtual hugs*. :)

Have you ever thought of seeing an academic advisor? Maybe the units you're taking aren't working for you because that's not what you're supposed to be doing.

I'm not sure how university works where you are, but in the US, we're given a little leeway to decide what kind of coursework is best-suited to us. Maybe you haven't been taking the kind of coursework you should be taking?

I mean, obviously there are certain requirements that need to be fulfilled and not everyone's suited to everything, but maybe once the semester's over, you could get a job for the summer, something different and exciting, even if it's working in a retail store and meeting all kinds of different people.

I think it's perfectly fine to emo out on LJ every once in while. I mean, I do it lots more than you do and some people still like me, hehehehe. And I think you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.

I have gone through exactly the same thing. Exactly. I see myself not doing what I should, not trying, not going to classes, but fearing getting a job, fearing the life outside of my books, my family, and my television. I see it and I hate it, but I can't do anything.

There are however, things you can do. I was diagnosed with depression at age ten, so I've been on antidepressants for a while, and now that I have them adjusted to the right level, they work great. So that is an option, for sure. Also, therapy has helped a lot. Just having someone to talk to who isn't directly involved in your daily life, who is paid to listen non-judgmentally and give good advice is a huge help. I'm still not 100% what I could/should be, but these things have helped enormously. Something I'm not really willing to try yet, but will if it comes down to it is giving up my fandoms. My books will go into boxes and I'll ask my parents to hide the remotes. That is a last resort though.

*hugs* Hang in there.

You're not the only one who can't see themself with a future, trust me. I was that at your age, too. I've been like that pretty much all my life.

You know the hard thing? My real life can never be as amazing as the lives I dream up for myself. Different scenarios that I imagine myself in, etc.

You probably do that, too.

Things will get better. At your age, I was the world's biggest introvert. I couldn't speak to people, couldn't look them in the eye... I'm not brilliant with that sort of thing now, but after you've lived long enough, you kind of end up going with the flow.

As for uni, maybe it's the course that's not for you. Maybe you're suited more to something else. Consider that, as well.

Hon. I'm saying this not to be mean or out of condescension, but because psychology is a hobby of mine and I live in an area with a suicide rate that is twice the national average. You are scaring me.

You need to go to a psychiatrist and get yourself checked out. Pronto. This that you're feeling is not normal, though whether it's ADD (inability to drop focus on one thing to go do something else you need to do) or depression, I can't tell. But something is wrong with the chemical mechanisms in your brain: if the problem was merely behavioral, the combination of telling yourself to be more positive and the bad consequences of your actions would have done the trick by now.

It obviously hasn't. Go see a doctor, before that wish for a euthanasia center flips into the idea to take matters into your own hands. Now. Please.

DragonLady

'Cut my life into pieces...'

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