'Cut my life into pieces...'

[marguerite_krux]

I didn’t want to do this on LJ. I left myspace because all I was doing was this angsty emo shit and I thought if I just focused on happy shiny fandom things, I could ignore it. But it’s like the elephant in the room. And I’m doing this a lot lately but denial isn’t working too well, so catharsis it is.

 

I’m ruining my life. If only I could blame someone else, or delude myself into thinking it's not my fault, but it is. I keep fucking up and each time, I don’t get back up and try, I just dig a deeper hole for myself. And my parents are sick and tired of it, and I get that, because if I was saddled with a daughter like me, I’d want to cut ties and disown her too. My father made it pretty clear yesterday that if I go down this path, he’s not going to support me anymore, regardless of what mother thinks. Fair enough. He’s a jerk, yes, but he’s hard-working and super dedicated to his job and why waste his effort on someone who’s never going to be worthy of his respect? I’m 20 years old, I’m supposed to be capable and independent by now, but- wow, that’s not going to happen.

There are people that believe in me and try to make me see the light and I want to but it never lasts. I don’t want to disappoint everyone but I won’t make the effort to avoid that outcome. People keep going on about my ‘potential’ and how ‘smart’ I am and yet.

And yet nothing. I don’t care. I don’t give a damn about anything that’s meaningful or important in life. So I’ll skip uni all semester and then show up for exams without studying and fail. No matter how much I regret it afterwards, no matter what promises I make, I fall back into that routine each time.

So now I’m being told that if it happens again this time, I’m supposed to leave uni and get a job and do something useful. Which frankly, I would’ve thought would motivate me given how absolutely terrified I am of anything to do with the real world and interacting with actual people outside of fandom and family. But no, I’m still doing my best to screw up my life.

I’m just so tired of this routine. I’m so tired of wasting my life like this. I’m so afraid of having to go and get a job, but I won’t do what it takes to make sure I pass my units and actually succeed. I can recognize how fucked up that is but I don’t want to do anything other than obsess over fandom. It’s a substitute for the life I have that I don’t want. Which is stupid because- I mean, god, my life is great compared to so many people out there, kids being abused or neglected or living on the streets with no shelter or food. I’ve got it good. I’ve got all these opportunities and privileges and luxuries and I’m just wasting it all. My life is charmed and all I can think about is how much I hate living. Ten years from now, I’m going to look back and curse at myself for being such a dumbass.

But that’s the problem. I’ve never been able to see myself five years or ten years or however far off in the future. I’ve never contemplated having a future. When I was a kid, all I’d think was that I’d finish school and then I’d die. That’d be it. That simple. And nothing's changed since then.

I don’t have dreams or ambitions, I don’t have something I can work for, something I want to achieve. I just- want it to end. And I wish there were euthanasia centers- like, you can go somewhere and get an abortion, right, I just wish you could go somewhere and get a pill or an injection or something and just die peacefully, without any fuss or bother. Because there's no point in going on if you're headed nowhere.

I don't understand why I feel like I can't cope when I've never faced a real challenge in my life, other than my own self-sabotage. And I don't want to wallow in self-pity, which is why I can't talk to anyone I know about how I feel because- hey, my life is awesome, I should be on my knees thanking every deity in every known religion for blessing me like this. It's so ungrateful of me to throw it back and reject it like this. If I could brainwash myself into these brand new attitudes, I totally would but I can't change the way I see things.

Actually, I did try to talk to Netty about it once. But it was pointless because she told me, basically, that I need to try harder. I know that already. I don't have difficulty seeing how I SHOULD be, I just can't reconcile that with who I am. If I tried and failed, that would be one thing, but not even summoning the will to try at all? Lame. Seriously lame. I get it. Change is good, change is necessary, I'm with that, but it's not happening. Just isn't.

In other news, I felt even shittier this weekend than I thought possible. Katherine cancelled our plans- she was busy with work or something. I don't know. I probably believe her, but it doesn't really matter. I haven't seen her in months, but finally we make plans, and I told her, this is the last chance we'll get because I can't do anything til after the exams, so not til after Feb but no, she blithely cancels on me, says 'raincheck' and to let her know when I'm free when I already made it fucking clear that I can't see her for another month. Like she cares. It doesn't matter to her because she has so many other friends. But she's all I've got. It matters a hell of a lot to me but- no, she doesn't give a damn. Way to make me feel more worthless, bitch.

*takes a deep breath* Something a little more positive now...let's see...Yay for Papa Roach and Linkin Park. The best music for when I'm in this mood. Seriously, Linkin Park is so unbelievably cool, their lyrics speak to my soul. It's exactly what I'm feeling. Uncanny.

 

Comments

[mcgarrygirl78.livejournal.com]

You know what, just because you live what you think is a charmed life doesnt mean you cant feel empty and unable to focus on anything. I think you should talk to someone, do they have a counseling center at uni? Seriously, these are not good feelings to have. And I know I only know you through fandom and have only read your colorful, crazy posts that girl lives inside you too, and you know, you can make something you are interested in your major, like journalism or film or something like that.

Follow your own beat but do it inside the parameters given to you. But first I think you should seek out an unbiased third party to talk to. And you are only 20, you shouldnt necessarily be independent and capable. Everyone is different and sometimes that is what parents have the hardest time grasping. We all grow up at different rates, speeds and capacities.

You seem like a witty, intelligent girl....maybe you arent being stimulated enough, you seem so underwhelmed with school. But there are probably more things it can offer and that's why you should talk to someone there. They can tell you things you might not even know about.

I am rooting for you, I like you. And you can always hit me up at my email mcgarrygirl78@gmail.com if you want to blow off steam.

[borg-princess.livejournal.com]

You are the best. It's like, no matter how emotional and angsty and bitter I get, you're there with your calm, reassuring words and making me feel so much better about myself. I wish it could magically change me and make my problems disappear, but even though that's not possible, I do feel less alone and afraid of everything.

I think there is a counselor at uni, I went to see them once by accident when I was looking for course advisers. She was pretty nice, but...I just always feel like I'm wasting their time because I don't have 'real' problems. Yah, I'm an emotional wreck, but... I don't know. I think back to high school, where I was the girl that used to see the counselor to get out of doing sport every week, then the next girl after me was suffering physical abuse at home and she moved out and then got pregnant and...whoa, you know? After all that, I just wonder why I get so upset over my own life.

But thanks so much for your support. I can't talk to anyone in RL like this, and I appreciate you being there. *huggles*

[mcgarrygirl78.livejournal.com]

Let me just say, they are your problems....that makes them real enough. Being an emotional wreck isnt that normal. Dont worry about what the girl who comes after you is saying, just go in and say your piece. That's what the counselors are there for. Pressure is hard and everyone handles it differently. Uni is the time when a lot of us crack up, I know I did. I was a mess, a fuckin mess, and if it werent for that one person who was always there to listen I dont know what I would have done. Yeah, I was still kinda a mess, but I made it through. I got a degree, got a job, came into the real world. And hell, I still held on to my fantasies and my fun....you can do both.

I just like you, what I know of you in this journal and you seem smart and level-headed and you even know something is not right. Knowing is half the battle, now you try to fix it. The unbiased third party is usually the best way because they can be objective and they dont feel like they are in this for something, like family or friends might.

And I am rambling now but I hope you figure out what to do. I'm always around so if you want to chat you can find me somewhere in cyberspace.

[sapphs.livejournal.com]

Something a little more positive now
Um, I'll be down in Melbourne for the Avalon Air show in March if you wanna get together and have lunch? We can rock it up in Melbourne and do fun and silly stuff and talk about fandom to our heart's content ♥

Also, I'm in the same boat. I work full time and I'm studying at Uni, but the only reason I'm studying is to find something in life that I can aspire to do. I don't even really want to study even though I love learning. I want to be able to work towards a goal in life but right now? I have nothing, except working to travel. And once I thought that was enough, but it's not. Someday I'll need to get another job and I really have no official qualifications. I get what you're feeling because I was like that as well, except after school I decided to skip Uni and go straight to working.

[borg-princess.livejournal.com]

Hmm. Interesting proposition.

*flails**hyperventilates**dies*

I'm not one with the socializing but...for you, I'll try. :P Although I'll be devastated if I leave you with such a bad impression you'll never speak to me on LJ again. :O

I just need to figure out how to catch a train now... but thank you for the offer, although I'm mildly terrified, it does give me something to look forward to for a change. :D

Ugh, work. I know it's necessary in life to work for one's living but...really? Ugh. The only job I ever wanted since I was in high school was to shelve books in the local library, but I kept getting rejected year after year and now I'm too old. *sighs* I liked the idea of something where I was around books and didn't have to speak to anyone, lol.

The only practical work I've had was at a fish-and-chips shop for a while, but omg, the pressure, taking people's money and working out change and dealing with the food... *headsplodes* I went on vacation, then never went back. >_<

I know it sucks not to have it all figured out, not to have a dream to pursue, not having this little plan complete with a checklist to mark off, but at least you're working full time. That's major. It may not be fulfilling, but you've proven you can do something worthwhile. And you're moving out on your own and everything, so dude, we're in totally different boats. Different OCEANS, fcol! With tides governed by different moons orbiting different planets in- yes, I think you get my point. :P

Also? Thank you for cheering up my day. ♥

[sapphs.livejournal.com]

I know that we're going to the Air Show on the Friday and Saturday we're looking around the city, so I'm hoping I can leave the others and meet up with you :D Save up as much as you can *g* And please, I'm as rude and outspoken and prejudiced in real life as I am on LJ :P It's just me and that isn't going to change in RL lol. ALSO, HAI I WOULD SO LOVE TO SQUEE WITH SOMEONE ABOUT FANDOM IN RL. IT'S SO THERAPEUTIC.

And you're moving out on your own and everything
Funny you should mention that because it looks like I might be staying for a while because I want to go to the Sanctuary con in October if it goes ahead. ARGH I'M NEVER GOING TO BE FREE! :P

And you know you can msg me anytime you want *squishes*

[joyfulamanda.livejournal.com]

I still have no answers at 25. I work, and in my free time I focus my energy on loving what I love. Which, yeah...is mostly fandom. ;P

True, I'm not pressured in any direction from my parents. Dad's only annoying because of his frequent "You Need A Man" speeches. "I'm worried about you, Amanda. You should be wanting to get married. Don't you want kids?" NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! OMG shut up. One of your 4 children is married and has 2 kids, what more could you want, Dad? *sighs and rolls eyes*

Ever wanted to see California? Come live with me and we can both try to figure out what on *earth* we want or should do with our lives!

In the meantime-- *virtual hugs*. :)

[borg-princess.livejournal.com]

Ah, you. :D Your father makes me smile, heh. I'm sorry, I know it's at your expense, but lol, those speeches of his...it must be so exasperating, but aww! He reminds me of my grandfather, who always used to ask about the boys at uni, if I'd met anyone I liked, etc. etc. *shakes head fondly*

Ha, I've been to California, too bad I didn't know you then! Unfortunately, I don't think it's likely I'll be flying out there, though I'll keep your offer in mind. :P *hugs back*

[katie-9918.livejournal.com]

Have you ever thought of seeing an academic advisor? Maybe the units you're taking aren't working for you because that's not what you're supposed to be doing.

I'm not sure how university works where you are, but in the US, we're given a little leeway to decide what kind of coursework is best-suited to us. Maybe you haven't been taking the kind of coursework you should be taking?

I mean, obviously there are certain requirements that need to be fulfilled and not everyone's suited to everything, but maybe once the semester's over, you could get a job for the summer, something different and exciting, even if it's working in a retail store and meeting all kinds of different people.

I think it's perfectly fine to emo out on LJ every once in while. I mean, I do it lots more than you do and some people still like me, hehehehe. And I think you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.

[borg-princess.livejournal.com]

Maybe the units you're taking aren't working for you because that's not what you're supposed to be doing.

Maybe you haven't been taking the kind of coursework you should be taking?


You know, this is part of the 'I know I have a problem, I just can't fix it' thing. I fell into Arts/Law because I got the ENTER to qualify for that course, and I studied Psych/Legal Studies at high school, so it made sense to pursue it. But it wasn't something I'm passionate about.

My cousin, a few years older than me, didn't get the ENTER required and was devastated, but after doing Arts for two years, he sat some tests and was able to switch over to law the same year I first started. And it's such a cliche, but he was so happy, he was crying, because law is his passion and he put everything he had into it, whereas I didn't really care and skipped class and all. People have suggested I switch courses but- really, there's nothing I WANT to do, so there isn't any point. And I know it seems stupid to have the opportunities and then squander them like this, but I'm so not motivated.

maybe once the semester's over, you could get a job for the summer, something different and exciting, even if it's working in a retail store and meeting all kinds of different people

Well, that's probably going to happen. Because my parents have given me an ultimatum- if I don't get Distinctions for my exams, I'm to take a year off uni and get a real job. Scares the crap out of me, I'm so antisocial. I mean, joking...but seriously, being around people is hard for me. So- I'm hoping what doesn't break me will make me stronger if it comes to that.

I think it's perfectly fine to emo out on LJ every once in while. I mean, I do it lots more than you do and some people still like me, hehehehe. And I think you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Hee! I guess I need to give myself permission to emo out instead of beating myself up about it. *rolls eyes* Thanks for your comment, it's good to try and feel hope instead of terror for the future. *huggles*

[spence-reid.livejournal.com]

I have gone through exactly the same thing. Exactly. I see myself not doing what I should, not trying, not going to classes, but fearing getting a job, fearing the life outside of my books, my family, and my television. I see it and I hate it, but I can't do anything.

There are however, things you can do. I was diagnosed with depression at age ten, so I've been on antidepressants for a while, and now that I have them adjusted to the right level, they work great. So that is an option, for sure. Also, therapy has helped a lot. Just having someone to talk to who isn't directly involved in your daily life, who is paid to listen non-judgmentally and give good advice is a huge help. I'm still not 100% what I could/should be, but these things have helped enormously. Something I'm not really willing to try yet, but will if it comes down to it is giving up my fandoms. My books will go into boxes and I'll ask my parents to hide the remotes. That is a last resort though.

*hugs* Hang in there.

[borg-princess.livejournal.com]

Hi, brain twin. :P Is it strange how many similar people there are on LJ? I mean, you're me a few years ago, and the others are me in a few years time... dude, I've got chills.

I see it and I hate it, but I can't do anything.

*nods emphatically* This is it, exactly. I don't care what Etc. Anonymous say, knowing something is wrong is not the first step to fixing it. I'd love to, but no, it's not like that.

Anti-depressants...sound awesome. I'd take them now if I could, or even a placebo just to see if it would make me different, make me better.

But I don't know, I did psychopathology last semester to see if I could figure out what my deal is, and true, I skipped most of the semester but I did look at the section on depression and I don't quite meet the criteria. Ugh. That bit about 'losing interest in things that formerly gave one pleasure' is one of the things that trip me up. Because I'm totally the opposite, I DIVE into fandom and lap it up to the most extreme degree possible. I feel totally happy and blissful and content when I'm involved in it, when I'm doing anything on the internet or watching tv, really.

Something I'm not really willing to try yet, but will if it comes down to it is giving up my fandoms. My books will go into boxes and I'll ask my parents to hide the remotes. That is a last resort though.


Never going to happen. Never never never never never never never. *shudders* They're the only thing that make life worth living. You're a stronger person than I am if you could do it. *clings* Don't go!

Thanks for the chat, you help keep me grounded. *huggles*

[borg-princess.livejournal.com]

PS. Notice how I didn't apologize for my long rambling reply? :P

[I hope it doesn't bother you when I do that, because- *stamps foot* NO, I will be firm, I will not be sorry!]

[alyssa22.livejournal.com]

You're not the only one who can't see themself with a future, trust me. I was that at your age, too. I've been like that pretty much all my life.

You know the hard thing? My real life can never be as amazing as the lives I dream up for myself. Different scenarios that I imagine myself in, etc.

You probably do that, too.

Things will get better. At your age, I was the world's biggest introvert. I couldn't speak to people, couldn't look them in the eye... I'm not brilliant with that sort of thing now, but after you've lived long enough, you kind of end up going with the flow.

As for uni, maybe it's the course that's not for you. Maybe you're suited more to something else. Consider that, as well.

[dragonladyk.livejournal.com]

Hon. I'm saying this not to be mean or out of condescension, but because psychology is a hobby of mine and I live in an area with a suicide rate that is twice the national average. You are scaring me.

You need to go to a psychiatrist and get yourself checked out. Pronto. This that you're feeling is not normal, though whether it's ADD (inability to drop focus on one thing to go do something else you need to do) or depression, I can't tell. But something is wrong with the chemical mechanisms in your brain: if the problem was merely behavioral, the combination of telling yourself to be more positive and the bad consequences of your actions would have done the trick by now.

It obviously hasn't. Go see a doctor, before that wish for a euthanasia center flips into the idea to take matters into your own hands. Now. Please.

DragonLady

[borg-princess.livejournal.com]

I didn't think it was mean or condescending, and thanks for your input, though I'm sorry I scared you. >_<

I think uni has some counsellors, I don't know, I should go check that out. It's just so much easier to deal with it here because you guys aren't judgmental or threatening, and I feel a little nervous at the idea of talking to someone in person and articulating all of this stuff. It sounds drama queen-ish. But I guess that's their job, to listen, so I shouldn't be afraid to talk about it.

It's weird, though, because I want to be able to talk to mother, but neither of my parents put much stock in depression. My father says, quite seriously, that it's something doctors made up so they can make money.

Yesterday, mother brought up this scar on my arm and while I want to be able to confide in her and talk about feelings and crap, she had to do it in front of my relatives, so of course I'm not going to talk about cutting and I made up some excuse and she goes, 'Oh, that wasn't from dishwashing' in this challenging tone and it's just like, well, if she wanted to have a serious discussion, she wouldn't have started it in front of other people and she wouldn't be so antagonistic about it, right? Then she didn't bring it up again when we went home later, it's all water under the bridge, so...IDEK. Ugh.

[dragonladyk.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, doctors made it all up. Like schizophrenia, syphilis, the need for vaccination, spongiform encephalopathies, and all those pesky, expensive little health codes. It has nothing to do with the progression of scientific knowledge and coming to a better understanding of the mechanics of human thought.

I'm going to go all House on your dad, yo.

As for your Mom... *hugs you*

Go see a counselor. If you're not comfortable with that one, go see another. Sometimes it takes more than one try to get the right fit, but when you do, it helps.

DragonLady