'Cut my life into pieces...'

[marguerite_krux]

I didn’t want to do this on LJ. I left myspace because all I was doing was this angsty emo shit and I thought if I just focused on happy shiny fandom things, I could ignore it. But it’s like the elephant in the room. And I’m doing this a lot lately but denial isn’t working too well, so catharsis it is.

 

I’m ruining my life. If only I could blame someone else, or delude myself into thinking it's not my fault, but it is. I keep fucking up and each time, I don’t get back up and try, I just dig a deeper hole for myself. And my parents are sick and tired of it, and I get that, because if I was saddled with a daughter like me, I’d want to cut ties and disown her too. My father made it pretty clear yesterday that if I go down this path, he’s not going to support me anymore, regardless of what mother thinks. Fair enough. He’s a jerk, yes, but he’s hard-working and super dedicated to his job and why waste his effort on someone who’s never going to be worthy of his respect? I’m 20 years old, I’m supposed to be capable and independent by now, but- wow, that’s not going to happen.

There are people that believe in me and try to make me see the light and I want to but it never lasts. I don’t want to disappoint everyone but I won’t make the effort to avoid that outcome. People keep going on about my ‘potential’ and how ‘smart’ I am and yet.

And yet nothing. I don’t care. I don’t give a damn about anything that’s meaningful or important in life. So I’ll skip uni all semester and then show up for exams without studying and fail. No matter how much I regret it afterwards, no matter what promises I make, I fall back into that routine each time.

So now I’m being told that if it happens again this time, I’m supposed to leave uni and get a job and do something useful. Which frankly, I would’ve thought would motivate me given how absolutely terrified I am of anything to do with the real world and interacting with actual people outside of fandom and family. But no, I’m still doing my best to screw up my life.

I’m just so tired of this routine. I’m so tired of wasting my life like this. I’m so afraid of having to go and get a job, but I won’t do what it takes to make sure I pass my units and actually succeed. I can recognize how fucked up that is but I don’t want to do anything other than obsess over fandom. It’s a substitute for the life I have that I don’t want. Which is stupid because- I mean, god, my life is great compared to so many people out there, kids being abused or neglected or living on the streets with no shelter or food. I’ve got it good. I’ve got all these opportunities and privileges and luxuries and I’m just wasting it all. My life is charmed and all I can think about is how much I hate living. Ten years from now, I’m going to look back and curse at myself for being such a dumbass.

But that’s the problem. I’ve never been able to see myself five years or ten years or however far off in the future. I’ve never contemplated having a future. When I was a kid, all I’d think was that I’d finish school and then I’d die. That’d be it. That simple. And nothing's changed since then.

I don’t have dreams or ambitions, I don’t have something I can work for, something I want to achieve. I just- want it to end. And I wish there were euthanasia centers- like, you can go somewhere and get an abortion, right, I just wish you could go somewhere and get a pill or an injection or something and just die peacefully, without any fuss or bother. Because there's no point in going on if you're headed nowhere.

I don't understand why I feel like I can't cope when I've never faced a real challenge in my life, other than my own self-sabotage. And I don't want to wallow in self-pity, which is why I can't talk to anyone I know about how I feel because- hey, my life is awesome, I should be on my knees thanking every deity in every known religion for blessing me like this. It's so ungrateful of me to throw it back and reject it like this. If I could brainwash myself into these brand new attitudes, I totally would but I can't change the way I see things.

Actually, I did try to talk to Netty about it once. But it was pointless because she told me, basically, that I need to try harder. I know that already. I don't have difficulty seeing how I SHOULD be, I just can't reconcile that with who I am. If I tried and failed, that would be one thing, but not even summoning the will to try at all? Lame. Seriously lame. I get it. Change is good, change is necessary, I'm with that, but it's not happening. Just isn't.

In other news, I felt even shittier this weekend than I thought possible. Katherine cancelled our plans- she was busy with work or something. I don't know. I probably believe her, but it doesn't really matter. I haven't seen her in months, but finally we make plans, and I told her, this is the last chance we'll get because I can't do anything til after the exams, so not til after Feb but no, she blithely cancels on me, says 'raincheck' and to let her know when I'm free when I already made it fucking clear that I can't see her for another month. Like she cares. It doesn't matter to her because she has so many other friends. But she's all I've got. It matters a hell of a lot to me but- no, she doesn't give a damn. Way to make me feel more worthless, bitch.

*takes a deep breath* Something a little more positive now...let's see...Yay for Papa Roach and Linkin Park. The best music for when I'm in this mood. Seriously, Linkin Park is so unbelievably cool, their lyrics speak to my soul. It's exactly what I'm feeling. Uncanny.