Thanks for the hug. I know it's corny but even though it doesn't solve anything, it makes me feel a little better. And since you asked...[you'll probably wish you hadn't by the end of this]

Pretty much every day sucks, which is why fandom means so much to me because it helps me to ignore reality, and throwing myself into ships makes everything shiny and happy and great. But yesterday was...ugh. It's weird that today's the anniversary of my grandfather's death and yet I feel worse about an old friend who's parted ways with me. I kinda feel like a traitor for being more upset about that than my own grandfather but I guess we had closure, or more closure anyway, which makes a difference.

Yesterday was my friend's birthday- well, I use the word 'friend' although that doesn't really work, we didn't hang out outside of school or go to the movies or normal stuff, we weren't traditional friends, she was more like a substitute mother figure that I spent every free moment of school with. I keep thinking I've gotten over the whole mess and it's in the past and I'm done but her birthday was always a major occasion and it stirred up all the old memories again and I miss her so much.

I can't talk to anyone in my family about her because they never really understood how much she meant to me. Year 12 was horrendous and she was the one person that kept me going through the whole year with all the stress and pressure and ridiculous teen angst. I'm not sure if this analogy works for you, but the way I feel about Elizabeth or Roslin or any of my 'heroes', that was how I saw her. I attribute my success to her doing incredible work keeping me sane that year. Like, I was going off-the-rails crazy, and I fought with my parents every step of the way and I just wanted to die, and she was the one that heard out all my rants, put up with my sulking and mood swings, cheered me up and motivated me and taped my favorite shows so that I didn't miss out. But the following year she had to leave school so I couldn't see her anymore and things have just gone downhill since then.

I've always grown attached to authority figures, like, I've been a 'teacher's pet' my whole life but none of them ever supported and nurtured me like she did. Maybe if she'd been at school for another year, then over time, I'd've grown out of it like usual but just having the connection severed like that...well, saying it 'upset' me is putting it mildly. I still haven't dealt with it, two years nine months later. It's still messing me up. *sighs*

Anyway. Thanks for hearing me out.