*sighs deeply* Thanks. And no, that wasn't preachy at all, I'm grateful you seem to understand all that mess of emotions, lol. I guess it needed someone outside of the family. My grandmother is the warmest, most loving person but when I tried to talk to her, she took it as criticism of the family and my mother in particular, like I was saying she'd done something wrong or not done enough for me and it was so frustrating because you can't always turn to parents. It's not an ideal world, unfortunately.

I think you should take comfort in the fact that she was there when you needed her the most.

That's kind of what's the problem, I guess. Because I owe her so much, like you said, she shaped me and helped me become more mature- although if she could see me now and how I'm unravelling, she'd be so disappointed- and I love her so much for all that but at the same time, I hate her for leaving me behind. So I'm torn between 'she did so much for me, I couldn't expect more, accept what she gave and move on with your life' and 'I don't care, I still need her and goddamn her for not being there anymore'. Ugh. How selfish is that?

School was our common ground, and when she had to leave, that was it. We exchanged a few cards, a few calls, emails but... it wasn't the same. I guess another reason her birthday troubles me is because I made the decision last year not to send her flowers or anything, because the best case scenario seemed to be a card twice a year and sporadic emails, and it was just too little and too hard. So I cut even that small connection to her and I'm still wrestling with it.

Thanks for hearing me out, you've always been a good listener. *huggles* I just needed to get this out. My New Year's resolution needs to be 'stop obsessing about the past, focus on the future' or something, lol.