It wasn't meant to be this way.
Dec. 17th, 2007 08:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
marguerite_kruxMy grandfather died during the weekend. One day, he was ill and taking heaps of pills and in a wheel-chair and we all knew that he would eventually die but no one really expected it, even though we kept telling ourselves to prepare for it.
It was just so sudden. My cousins and I were having a sleepover and then we're woken up at 3am and driven to see Pa because the adults were seriously worried about him and wanted us to be there in case the worst happened- and it did. We were at his side for three and a half hours, til he finally drew his last breath at 6:30. It was the most horrible thing I've ever experienced. There was one time when we heard what sounded like what I imagine a 'death rattle' to sound like and he stopped breathing- that was when people started sobbing but then after a few moments, he started breathing again. I just hated it because that meant that the moment when he really did die, I kept watching his throat, thinking he would inhale again and it would be fine and he'd make it through the day and we'd have more time with each other, lots more time to talk and plan and organize things...he was so focused bringing the family together and planning the family reunion though it isn't til 2009 and it just hurts to think that he'll never make it to the event he was so excited about. I don't even want to go to the stupid thing now, not without him.
And I hate that even though we all knew he was ill, I didn't make the most of the time that I had with him. If I'd imagined that he wouldn't even last til Christmas, if I'd had any notion, I would've spent every hour this past week with him. And I'm just kicking myself for it now, for the idiotic notion that he couldn't really die and he wouldn't leave us and I'd have all the time in the world later on to spend time with him.
I keep getting teary. I got through the sobbing fits yesterday, but now it's the little things that provoke a few tears that I can't control. Like when the balloon dude called today to say that the balloons that Pa had asked to be specially designed for the reunion could be delivered by Wednesday, which was much earlier than anyone had imagined and I just thought- Wednesday. So soon, and yet he's not around to see the damn things anymore. He had thought up special souvenir balloons with images on them and a promotion for the reunion and they're being mailed to relatives all over the world to get them intrigued enough to make plans and save up to come together. And he can't come now. And I just wish he could've lived a few more days so he could enjoy seeing the boxes of balloons being delivered and put them in envelopes and sending them off to people.
God, I'm so tired of crying.
It was just so sudden. My cousins and I were having a sleepover and then we're woken up at 3am and driven to see Pa because the adults were seriously worried about him and wanted us to be there in case the worst happened- and it did. We were at his side for three and a half hours, til he finally drew his last breath at 6:30. It was the most horrible thing I've ever experienced. There was one time when we heard what sounded like what I imagine a 'death rattle' to sound like and he stopped breathing- that was when people started sobbing but then after a few moments, he started breathing again. I just hated it because that meant that the moment when he really did die, I kept watching his throat, thinking he would inhale again and it would be fine and he'd make it through the day and we'd have more time with each other, lots more time to talk and plan and organize things...he was so focused bringing the family together and planning the family reunion though it isn't til 2009 and it just hurts to think that he'll never make it to the event he was so excited about. I don't even want to go to the stupid thing now, not without him.
And I hate that even though we all knew he was ill, I didn't make the most of the time that I had with him. If I'd imagined that he wouldn't even last til Christmas, if I'd had any notion, I would've spent every hour this past week with him. And I'm just kicking myself for it now, for the idiotic notion that he couldn't really die and he wouldn't leave us and I'd have all the time in the world later on to spend time with him.
I keep getting teary. I got through the sobbing fits yesterday, but now it's the little things that provoke a few tears that I can't control. Like when the balloon dude called today to say that the balloons that Pa had asked to be specially designed for the reunion could be delivered by Wednesday, which was much earlier than anyone had imagined and I just thought- Wednesday. So soon, and yet he's not around to see the damn things anymore. He had thought up special souvenir balloons with images on them and a promotion for the reunion and they're being mailed to relatives all over the world to get them intrigued enough to make plans and save up to come together. And he can't come now. And I just wish he could've lived a few more days so he could enjoy seeing the boxes of balloons being delivered and put them in envelopes and sending them off to people.
God, I'm so tired of crying.
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(no subject)
Date: 2007-12-17 12:47 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-12-21 03:22 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-12-17 07:00 pm (UTC)I know how you feel I've been there twice, I lost my grandfather and my father. Hang in there.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-12-21 03:24 am (UTC)