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marguerite_kruxJust a little sad. Cut for meaningless angst.
I had another dream about Marina. We were back in the library and I came in, early as usual, began to sort out the papers and she was just sitting there in the corner, laughing and happy, all, 'It's good to see you, I've missed you'. God, I hate how real dreams feel because you get all caught up in the emotion, I went through the whole gamut of surprise and disbelief and hope and joy and then- I wake up. Feeling a hundred times lonelier than before.
I think the holiday season's exacerbated it. We've had all these family things- Pa's memorial dinner, Christmas, the twins' birthday, New Year's, someone's grandmother's cousin's niece's brother-in-law's nephew came over and we had a dinner for him, too, just 'coz that's what islanders do, apparently...and at all of these events, the boyfriends made an appearance. Adam, Ryan and Dave, three white boys with weird blue eyes and brown hair. My cousins don't have a type, noooo. The guys are pretty nice to me, we chat, or rather, bicker- think my instinctive need to antagonize guys is maybe why I find it hard to develop a relationship?
But yeah, I feel like the old maid of the family, all the girls are paired up and there's me sitting with my dinner and a book. Hmm.
'k, I know it sounds like I want to date someone just because I want to compete or not be left out, which is- well, a tiny bit true and kinda silly, but I also just want someone to love and to be loved by someone. Family doesn't count. I mean, I appreciate them and all, but it's like, 'You guys are stuck with me, we sort of have to try and get along'. They'd try to like me and accept me even if I was a totally different person, because the blood is what matters there.
I wish I had someone all for myself, who liked the person I am, who would put me first, and I don't care if that's selfish.
How is it I can get so intensely obsessed with fictional characters, but not make a meaningful connection to another human being?
Goddamnit, I want to be special.
/whining.
I had another dream about Marina. We were back in the library and I came in, early as usual, began to sort out the papers and she was just sitting there in the corner, laughing and happy, all, 'It's good to see you, I've missed you'. God, I hate how real dreams feel because you get all caught up in the emotion, I went through the whole gamut of surprise and disbelief and hope and joy and then- I wake up. Feeling a hundred times lonelier than before.
I think the holiday season's exacerbated it. We've had all these family things- Pa's memorial dinner, Christmas, the twins' birthday, New Year's, someone's grandmother's cousin's niece's brother-in-law's nephew came over and we had a dinner for him, too, just 'coz that's what islanders do, apparently...and at all of these events, the boyfriends made an appearance. Adam, Ryan and Dave, three white boys with weird blue eyes and brown hair. My cousins don't have a type, noooo. The guys are pretty nice to me, we chat, or rather, bicker- think my instinctive need to antagonize guys is maybe why I find it hard to develop a relationship?
But yeah, I feel like the old maid of the family, all the girls are paired up and there's me sitting with my dinner and a book. Hmm.
'k, I know it sounds like I want to date someone just because I want to compete or not be left out, which is- well, a tiny bit true and kinda silly, but I also just want someone to love and to be loved by someone. Family doesn't count. I mean, I appreciate them and all, but it's like, 'You guys are stuck with me, we sort of have to try and get along'. They'd try to like me and accept me even if I was a totally different person, because the blood is what matters there.
I wish I had someone all for myself, who liked the person I am, who would put me first, and I don't care if that's selfish.
How is it I can get so intensely obsessed with fictional characters, but not make a meaningful connection to another human being?
Goddamnit, I want to be special.
/whining.
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(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-12 12:29 am (UTC)*raises hands* We should make a group or something...
(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-12 01:14 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-12 05:54 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-12 05:57 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-12 01:16 am (UTC)How is it I can get so intensely obsessed with fictional characters, but not make a meaningful connection to another human being?
Goddamnit, I want to be special.
This exactly. All the way, every word. I'm 30 years old and I still face this, though I definitely dont want to depress you further. There are so many of us, seriously, you would be surprised (though I'm sure you wouldnt cuz you're a smart cookie) how many people are in bad/meaningless relationships because they dont want to be alone. Our time will come, it will probably take more work than I am willing to put in now but I am all about
(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-12 05:50 am (UTC)This exactly. All the way, every word. I'm 30 years old and I still face this, though I definitely dont want to depress you further.
Is it awful of me if I'm glad I'm not the only one in this situation? Don't take that the wrong way, though, lol.
I've got a bad rep in my family, unfortunately, and I'm always explaining 'I can envy you for something WITHOUT BEGRUDGING YOU whatever it is. I wish my life were better but I wouldn't wish yours was worse, although if it is, then well, that's too bad but we're in it together, so yay'. My cousin Netty didn't tell me about her boyfriend for a few weeks because she was afraid it would upset me. Actually, both of the twins have done that to me. Gah. I wouldn't want them to be alone and unhappy just to make me feel better, and it makes me wonder how they see me to think that hiding it is better. I mean, jeez. *rolls eyes*
people are in bad/meaningless relationships because they dont want to be alone.
I was just thinking about that this morning, while listening to Death Cab for Cutie. 'We're starting to feel we stayed together out of fear of dying alone...'
(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-12 10:49 am (UTC)Someone at work said to me recently "Look at all the girls who are in couples. They're the ones who either can't think for themselves, or who aren't at all threatening".
If you're smart (and both of you are), a lot of men are intimidated. I remember being told by a guy years ago that I should start dropping the endings on words when I spoke. He said that way I'd be more popular. How stupid is that??
(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-12 10:38 pm (UTC)Lol, you reminded me of that quote, something like, 'the worst thing about loneliness is we all walk around thinking we're the only ones suffering from it.' Now that I've broken out of my self-absorption, it is a little surprising to realize how many people I know and respect are also in the situation. So maybe it's okay? :D
If you're smart (and both of you are), a lot of men are intimidated. I remember being told by a guy years ago that I should start dropping the endings on words when I spoke. He said that way I'd be more popular. How stupid is that??
See, now that I don't understand. I think the reason I found it harder growing up was because- when I choose, anyway- I have this very strong sense of right and wrong, and being told how to behave and what my 'place' is by other people just does not sit right with me. I'm always paid out because I read all the time and use 'intelligent' words. [I still love my English teacher in Years 8/10 for calling me 'Miss Dictionary' and 'A+ Annie', turning what were insults into affectionate nicknames. I'd take teacher's pet over class clown any day, lol]
I totally mean it when I say I'd rather be myself and alone- or bonding with people online- than be fake and popular. One of the things I'm proud of is that in Year 10, I finally managed to break away from hanging out with 'the girls' and did my own thing. And I was much happier in the library than socializing with brainwashing backstabbing witches.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-12 01:49 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-12 05:35 am (UTC)teenadult-ish angst. *huggles* I've been noting down random quotes from shows I watch lately and Buffy seemed to really fit the mood.(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-12 01:52 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-12 05:41 am (UTC)I should be scared...but no, I totally get that. I'd rather hang out with a bunch of tv people than RL people any day. They're way cooler, less pressure and it's too easy and comfortable to get into a routine of daydreaming about them and drifting away from reality. I don't think it's pathetic, it's just like, a coping mechanism or something.
You'll get that, I know you will, because you are awesome.
You're so lovely, thanks for cheering me up. Things just seem to crush me so easily. *sighs* I've been wrestling with my essay- ANOTHER essay, not the one from a few days ago, lol- and even though it's about criminal profiling, I didn't have any interest in it. I mean, I read through stuff about organized/disorganized killers [sadly, the literature says that's bogus, apparently there's not scientific merit to it at all] and totally parroting everything off CM but I couldn't engage with it. :O You'd think of all things, this would fascinate me and hold my attention because heck, it relates to my fandom, but...no.