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marguerite_kruxJust a little sad. Cut for meaningless angst.
I had another dream about Marina. We were back in the library and I came in, early as usual, began to sort out the papers and she was just sitting there in the corner, laughing and happy, all, 'It's good to see you, I've missed you'. God, I hate how real dreams feel because you get all caught up in the emotion, I went through the whole gamut of surprise and disbelief and hope and joy and then- I wake up. Feeling a hundred times lonelier than before.
I think the holiday season's exacerbated it. We've had all these family things- Pa's memorial dinner, Christmas, the twins' birthday, New Year's, someone's grandmother's cousin's niece's brother-in-law's nephew came over and we had a dinner for him, too, just 'coz that's what islanders do, apparently...and at all of these events, the boyfriends made an appearance. Adam, Ryan and Dave, three white boys with weird blue eyes and brown hair. My cousins don't have a type, noooo. The guys are pretty nice to me, we chat, or rather, bicker- think my instinctive need to antagonize guys is maybe why I find it hard to develop a relationship?
But yeah, I feel like the old maid of the family, all the girls are paired up and there's me sitting with my dinner and a book. Hmm.
'k, I know it sounds like I want to date someone just because I want to compete or not be left out, which is- well, a tiny bit true and kinda silly, but I also just want someone to love and to be loved by someone. Family doesn't count. I mean, I appreciate them and all, but it's like, 'You guys are stuck with me, we sort of have to try and get along'. They'd try to like me and accept me even if I was a totally different person, because the blood is what matters there.
I wish I had someone all for myself, who liked the person I am, who would put me first, and I don't care if that's selfish.
How is it I can get so intensely obsessed with fictional characters, but not make a meaningful connection to another human being?
Goddamnit, I want to be special.
/whining.
I had another dream about Marina. We were back in the library and I came in, early as usual, began to sort out the papers and she was just sitting there in the corner, laughing and happy, all, 'It's good to see you, I've missed you'. God, I hate how real dreams feel because you get all caught up in the emotion, I went through the whole gamut of surprise and disbelief and hope and joy and then- I wake up. Feeling a hundred times lonelier than before.
I think the holiday season's exacerbated it. We've had all these family things- Pa's memorial dinner, Christmas, the twins' birthday, New Year's, someone's grandmother's cousin's niece's brother-in-law's nephew came over and we had a dinner for him, too, just 'coz that's what islanders do, apparently...and at all of these events, the boyfriends made an appearance. Adam, Ryan and Dave, three white boys with weird blue eyes and brown hair. My cousins don't have a type, noooo. The guys are pretty nice to me, we chat, or rather, bicker- think my instinctive need to antagonize guys is maybe why I find it hard to develop a relationship?
But yeah, I feel like the old maid of the family, all the girls are paired up and there's me sitting with my dinner and a book. Hmm.
'k, I know it sounds like I want to date someone just because I want to compete or not be left out, which is- well, a tiny bit true and kinda silly, but I also just want someone to love and to be loved by someone. Family doesn't count. I mean, I appreciate them and all, but it's like, 'You guys are stuck with me, we sort of have to try and get along'. They'd try to like me and accept me even if I was a totally different person, because the blood is what matters there.
I wish I had someone all for myself, who liked the person I am, who would put me first, and I don't care if that's selfish.
How is it I can get so intensely obsessed with fictional characters, but not make a meaningful connection to another human being?
Goddamnit, I want to be special.
/whining.
