'I can't figure it out, it's bringing me down, I know I've got to let it go and just enjoy the show'

[marguerite_krux]

I am so angry with mother right now. And you know, if I look at it in a rational, objective manner, I can see it doesn’t really matter and I should just get past it, but I can’t help feeling betrayed on the most fundamental level.

If there’s anything you guys know about me, it’s that fandom is the most essential part of my life. It makes up 90% of my personality. I pretty much don’t exist outside it.

Another thing I may have mentioned is I hate being lied to, which I fully admit is hypocritical, considering what a liar I am. But that’s beside the point.

I returned home, after having a really good day. Played tennis with mother in the morning- I lost, but it was a good game; once I switched rackets, my skills improved miraculously; watched Criminal Minds with her afterwards, went to the movies and saw The International with Ma and TiLind, then spaced out in front of the Foxtel for a while. Apart from having LJ withdrawal pangs, it was a good day.

Then I got home and mother said to me, ‘I have a confession to make’. While I was out, she was doing the ironing and needed something to watch. She went into my room and looked through my things- yet another HUGE no-no, as far as I’m concerned, ‘And I saw The Lost World, and thought, ‘well, she’s always saying how good it is…’ so…’ I just stared at her and was like, ‘No. No, you didn’t.’ And then she went, ‘No, I didn’t. I couldn’t figure out how to work the dvd player so I just ended up watching something else’. And it seemed so pat. She was working up to something and then- that was it? Anti-climax. So I asked her, several times, if that was the truth, if that was what really happened. She denied watching it, she repeated that she couldn’t figure out how to play the dvds, okay.

Later on, I was still wondering. I asked her once more, ‘Did you lie to me earlier?’ and yet again she denied it. A few minutes later, she finally admitted it- she had lied. She was going to tell me, but my reaction made her change her mind. Like it was my fault. ‘I didn’t know if this was one of the things you preferred not to know’. I’ve only ever said that when it was something inconsequential, that didn’t matter at all, but THE LOST WORLD? That’s possibly the most important thing in my life. Of all the shows she had to lie about, it had to be TLW?

 

I know you’re all like, ‘what is she so upset about?’ But my mother, of all people, knows how much value I place on watching shows I love with other people. I can see something ten times in a row and still enjoy the experience with a new audience. Sharing it with others is what makes it so special.

She acted like she was trying to ‘protect’ me, but come on. She’s watched other shows with me before and said that she didn’t like them or couldn’t be bothered with them anymore. House, Lost, Killer Instinct. And I’ve been sad but accepted it. And now, with this show of all shows, she decides to go and take it from my room and watch it on her own. So she could make up her mind on her own.

If she’d never watched it in her entire life, I’d’ve been regretful but okay with it. She’s busy, she has other things to do, whatever. If she had watched it and not liked it, well, ce’st la vie. But to know that she saw it for the first time, without letting me join her, without having that moment. God. Just. Fuck.

Yes, I’m overreacting. But I feel so betrayed. She was like, ‘I didn’t watch more than two minutes of it, I was forwarding through it’. A few seconds later, ‘maybe five minutes’. Finally I asked what the last thing she saw was- ‘oh, some blonde saving someone’. About 26 minutes into the episode. Maybe even that was a lie, maybe she saw the whole thing. IDEK. Her verdict at the end of it all? ‘A bit cheesy…’ Which, yes, it is. But if she’d let me know she was going to watch it, I could’ve explained the show, cast it in a different light. If you go into it without knowing what to expect, yes, it can be off-putting. I kinda…didn’t really like it when I first saw it. I could’ve eased her into it. But no. She didn’t let me be there when she saw it for the first time, didn’t let me see her reaction or discuss how she felt about the characters, her first thoughts of Marguerite, most of all.

I know it’s unfair, considering all the things she does for me on a regular basis. She actually mentioned that. Like it makes it all better. Nothing pisses me off more than people who don’t apologize, who try to rationalize their actions and put it on the other person. Even if you don’t think what you did is wrong, you could at least feel bad about how you made the other person feel, express some kind of sympathy or regret.

But she doesn’t get it, she didn’t even say sorry, because she didn’t understand how she’d hurt me. I’m not sure I’m making sense to anyone right now, I’m still so angry and bitter about it. But yeah. /rant.

Random thoughts:

The downside.

- it's kinda funny how I've swung from raptures of delight over odakota_rose being converted to TLW, to utter wretchedness over mother's actions with the show. Thanks, life, for not letting me enjoy the former for a little longer before inflicting the second. I'm doing a meme right now on 'Eight Ways to Win My Heart'- I admit, I was a little stumped but I can say right now that on a list of the opposite- betraying me over a show would be number 1. YES, I'M BEING A DRAMA QUEEN ATM, LET ME INDULGE.

-I can't get into my optus email account. The one all my lj notifications go to. So I'm going to sleep on it and hope it's all better tomorrow. If I don't get back to y'all, it won't be for lack of trying. For some reason, optus doesn't seem to have that 'can't login? Fix it here' option, which sucks. Yahoo at least has a failsafe question. I thought optus did too, but I can't find the page you go to when it's spitefully not frakking letting you log in.

The upside.

- bought the second season of 30 Rock. No, I haven't seen all of season 1, not even most of it, but JB Hi-Fi only had the second, so. *shrugs* I vowed to myself ages ago that I wasn't going to put myself through this, but SOMONE told me I had to, and here I am. I figured using a gift-card to buy it made it okay. :P

-finally decided to try watching season six of TWW. I wasn't planning on it, since everything I've heard indicates it's not the show I know and love, but...Mary McCormack! I fell in love with her on In Plain Sight [which has mysteriously vanished from sight, Channel 10. *scowls* Commercial tv is hell, I tells ya]. I watched A Good Day just before and...*wriggles* Kate!

'Ambassador, listen carefully. An hour ago, I reviewed the United States' contingency plan to invade your country. 1789, revised in 1815, the calligraphy is beautiful'/'This has gone too far! I just threatened the Canadian Ambassador!'

Plus, 'Do we even have a map of Canada?' Her expression, her tone... *g* her patent disgust throughout this entire episode at the farce she was reluctantly embroiled in... :D
 

Comments

[borg-princess.livejournal.com]

I know, I'm a confusing contradictory person, lol. I'm angry with her because...first of all, the most important thing to me is being able to watch shows I love with other people. And I don't get to do that a lot because I'm way more social online than I am in RL. So mother, knowing how much I love TLW, watching it on her own without even asking me- that hurt. It's a bonding thing for me, and she shut me out. Secondly, she lied. I hate being lied to, so that made it even worse. I fully admit I overreacted and just needed to vent on LJ, even if it didn't make sense, because that's what's great about this site- it's my little pocket of the internet where I can rant about stuff, lol.

[laurandbillever.livejournal.com]

^_^ Well, I only hope that one day you will see the situation as a good excuse to laugh veery hard... Because, believe me, there are a lot more important things to be mad about ^_^