'I can't figure it out, it's bringing me down, I know I've got to let it go and just enjoy the show'

[marguerite_krux]

I am so angry with mother right now. And you know, if I look at it in a rational, objective manner, I can see it doesn’t really matter and I should just get past it, but I can’t help feeling betrayed on the most fundamental level.

If there’s anything you guys know about me, it’s that fandom is the most essential part of my life. It makes up 90% of my personality. I pretty much don’t exist outside it.

Another thing I may have mentioned is I hate being lied to, which I fully admit is hypocritical, considering what a liar I am. But that’s beside the point.

I returned home, after having a really good day. Played tennis with mother in the morning- I lost, but it was a good game; once I switched rackets, my skills improved miraculously; watched Criminal Minds with her afterwards, went to the movies and saw The International with Ma and TiLind, then spaced out in front of the Foxtel for a while. Apart from having LJ withdrawal pangs, it was a good day.

Then I got home and mother said to me, ‘I have a confession to make’. While I was out, she was doing the ironing and needed something to watch. She went into my room and looked through my things- yet another HUGE no-no, as far as I’m concerned, ‘And I saw The Lost World, and thought, ‘well, she’s always saying how good it is…’ so…’ I just stared at her and was like, ‘No. No, you didn’t.’ And then she went, ‘No, I didn’t. I couldn’t figure out how to work the dvd player so I just ended up watching something else’. And it seemed so pat. She was working up to something and then- that was it? Anti-climax. So I asked her, several times, if that was the truth, if that was what really happened. She denied watching it, she repeated that she couldn’t figure out how to play the dvds, okay.

Later on, I was still wondering. I asked her once more, ‘Did you lie to me earlier?’ and yet again she denied it. A few minutes later, she finally admitted it- she had lied. She was going to tell me, but my reaction made her change her mind. Like it was my fault. ‘I didn’t know if this was one of the things you preferred not to know’. I’ve only ever said that when it was something inconsequential, that didn’t matter at all, but THE LOST WORLD? That’s possibly the most important thing in my life. Of all the shows she had to lie about, it had to be TLW?

 

I know you’re all like, ‘what is she so upset about?’ But my mother, of all people, knows how much value I place on watching shows I love with other people. I can see something ten times in a row and still enjoy the experience with a new audience. Sharing it with others is what makes it so special.

She acted like she was trying to ‘protect’ me, but come on. She’s watched other shows with me before and said that she didn’t like them or couldn’t be bothered with them anymore. House, Lost, Killer Instinct. And I’ve been sad but accepted it. And now, with this show of all shows, she decides to go and take it from my room and watch it on her own. So she could make up her mind on her own.

If she’d never watched it in her entire life, I’d’ve been regretful but okay with it. She’s busy, she has other things to do, whatever. If she had watched it and not liked it, well, ce’st la vie. But to know that she saw it for the first time, without letting me join her, without having that moment. God. Just. Fuck.

Yes, I’m overreacting. But I feel so betrayed. She was like, ‘I didn’t watch more than two minutes of it, I was forwarding through it’. A few seconds later, ‘maybe five minutes’. Finally I asked what the last thing she saw was- ‘oh, some blonde saving someone’. About 26 minutes into the episode. Maybe even that was a lie, maybe she saw the whole thing. IDEK. Her verdict at the end of it all? ‘A bit cheesy…’ Which, yes, it is. But if she’d let me know she was going to watch it, I could’ve explained the show, cast it in a different light. If you go into it without knowing what to expect, yes, it can be off-putting. I kinda…didn’t really like it when I first saw it. I could’ve eased her into it. But no. She didn’t let me be there when she saw it for the first time, didn’t let me see her reaction or discuss how she felt about the characters, her first thoughts of Marguerite, most of all.

I know it’s unfair, considering all the things she does for me on a regular basis. She actually mentioned that. Like it makes it all better. Nothing pisses me off more than people who don’t apologize, who try to rationalize their actions and put it on the other person. Even if you don’t think what you did is wrong, you could at least feel bad about how you made the other person feel, express some kind of sympathy or regret.

But she doesn’t get it, she didn’t even say sorry, because she didn’t understand how she’d hurt me. I’m not sure I’m making sense to anyone right now, I’m still so angry and bitter about it. But yeah. /rant.

Random thoughts:

The downside.

- it's kinda funny how I've swung from raptures of delight over odakota_rose being converted to TLW, to utter wretchedness over mother's actions with the show. Thanks, life, for not letting me enjoy the former for a little longer before inflicting the second. I'm doing a meme right now on 'Eight Ways to Win My Heart'- I admit, I was a little stumped but I can say right now that on a list of the opposite- betraying me over a show would be number 1. YES, I'M BEING A DRAMA QUEEN ATM, LET ME INDULGE.

-I can't get into my optus email account. The one all my lj notifications go to. So I'm going to sleep on it and hope it's all better tomorrow. If I don't get back to y'all, it won't be for lack of trying. For some reason, optus doesn't seem to have that 'can't login? Fix it here' option, which sucks. Yahoo at least has a failsafe question. I thought optus did too, but I can't find the page you go to when it's spitefully not frakking letting you log in.

The upside.

- bought the second season of 30 Rock. No, I haven't seen all of season 1, not even most of it, but JB Hi-Fi only had the second, so. *shrugs* I vowed to myself ages ago that I wasn't going to put myself through this, but SOMONE told me I had to, and here I am. I figured using a gift-card to buy it made it okay. :P

-finally decided to try watching season six of TWW. I wasn't planning on it, since everything I've heard indicates it's not the show I know and love, but...Mary McCormack! I fell in love with her on In Plain Sight [which has mysteriously vanished from sight, Channel 10. *scowls* Commercial tv is hell, I tells ya]. I watched A Good Day just before and...*wriggles* Kate!

'Ambassador, listen carefully. An hour ago, I reviewed the United States' contingency plan to invade your country. 1789, revised in 1815, the calligraphy is beautiful'/'This has gone too far! I just threatened the Canadian Ambassador!'

Plus, 'Do we even have a map of Canada?' Her expression, her tone... *g* her patent disgust throughout this entire episode at the farce she was reluctantly embroiled in... :D
 

Comments

[mcgarrygirl78.livejournal.com]

I totally get it. I feel the opposite, wanting to watch something new alone and not with someone who knows it inside and out but she is your mother, she knew that was your thing. And going through your stuff to find it sucks.

I loathe Season 6 of the West Wing. It has a few bright spots but for me one of the things I hate the most is Kate whatsherface as this major character. I was never overly fond of Mary McCormack and then she was in my face every week. I dont even know how I made it through those last three seasons without violence. Just thinking about it makes me shudder in pain.

On a positive note....a new Criminal Minds this week. Another opportunity to see SSA Emily Prentiss shine : )

[borg-princess.livejournal.com]

I'm gonna sound like a broken record but...damn, you are awesome. I wrote this feeling hurt and angry but also like the most petty, small-minded person alive. And you come and just basically tell me it's okay to feel like that and it all just...melts away. I think the main problem is that mother doesn't like to sympathize with me because she feels like she's enabling me to 'wallow', so her solution is not to encourage it at all. And then I get frustrated and it's all bottled up inside, and I end up exploding here and sounding like a hysterical drama queen, but you just make it okay. *huggles* I don't have siblings, but you're what I imagine the world's best big sister would be like.

Lol, out of the two new blondes in TWW, I have to say it's the high-pitched one, the self-proclaimed 'deputy press secretary of hairstyles' that irritates me more. It's her voice. I know it's not her fault but it grates on me. Which is weird because I love Mary on So You Think You Can Dance but...I never promised not to contradict myself. :P But yeah, season 6 is pretty tough for me. I hate all the changes. I watched it for this core team and they're all split up all over the place. :[

Lol, new CM! Always a reason to smile!

[mcgarrygirl78.livejournal.com]

Kristen Chenoweth, the other blonde you speak of, is the spawn of Satan...end of sentence. She is EVIL!!!!!

I always wanted a little sister, I was sure we would be best friends and she would not be mean to me like my older sisters were. We would watch TV together, hang out, giggle, and life would be swell.

I miss West Wing but Criminal Minds fills that void....that familial chemistry is so made of win : )

[borg-princess.livejournal.com]

Ahaha, we can agree on that one, at least. I think I've heard you mention 'The Cheno' before, at last, I have a face to connect to the name. Sadly. :P

We would watch TV together, hang out, giggle, and life would be swell.

That's a great vision, exactly what I would dream of, actually. *sighs wistfully* Well, it can't happen in RL, but I'll be your online little sister. :D

Mmm-hmm, that's what I love about both shows, that's what I look for in everything I watch. That team bond, a group of people that pull together and are there for each other.

[mcgarrygirl78.livejournal.com]

The Cheno.....*shakes head soberly*

[borg-princess.livejournal.com]

Another thing I really like about you is that you can understand and sympathize even if you don't agree with me. You don't operate the same way I do, but you still get it. Which is so rare and so cool.

[mcgarrygirl78.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that kind of behavior usually comes back to bite me hard in the bum but I am much too old to stop doing it now.

Anyhoo, there is something about you I just adore....dont know what it is but you're awesome.

[borg-princess.livejournal.com]

Really? Being nice to people gets you bad karma? That's sucky. *frowns* I'm glad you're too set in your ways to change, though. I'm happily reaping the benefits. :P

♥ *huggles*

[joyfulamanda.livejournal.com]

I, too, can watch the same shows a dozen times if it's with people who haven't seen them before. I *won't* let Erin just borrow my Stargate DVD's cuz I *have* to watch each episode with her. I actually got really pissy with her once when she was at another friend's house and ended up watching a random episode with him -- a much later episode in the series than the latest one she'd seen with me.

When they are shows you care alot about, you feel like you *own* the characters a little bit. So how can someone even consider experiencing moments in those characters' lives without YOU there??

I tend to feel like my friends or family won't experience my TV shows *the right way* if I'm not watching with them. Haha, you know, a well-timed "awwwwww" can subtly hint at the ships that I think they all should climb aboard with me! :D

[borg-princess.livejournal.com]

OMG, someone like me! Do you ever find people are reluctant to watch something because you've already seen it and you have to continually explain, 'No, I'm not just being polite, I'm not just humoring you, I REALLY DO enjoy it the tenth time around'?

I love that you got pissy with Erin because I've done that with a few people- Katherine watched BSG when she promised we were going to have a marathon, and then she lied about it on top of that. I think that's what makes it worse. The irrational feeling of betrayal PLUS them lying to cover it up.

So how can someone even consider experiencing moments in those characters' lives without YOU there??

WORD. I love Marguerite beyond expression, and that mother first saw her and I wasn't around to share that moment...ugh. :[

I tend to feel like my friends or family won't experience my TV shows *the right way* if I'm not watching with them.

*huggles* I didn't expect to find someone who completely understands and lives it the way I do, this is so cool!

With my show, there were a few really important scenes that you need to pay attention to, and a few important things that need to be explained about TLW to ensure the audience doesn't get turned off and will stick with it and because mother didn't get that, she's not interested in it anymore and I can't help thinking if we'd seen it together, that wouldn't have happened.

Haha, you know, a well-timed "awwwwww" can subtly hint at the ships that I think they all should climb aboard with me! :D

Like, I was watching Atlantis with Netty and I ever so carefully steered her away from Sheyla and towards Sparky. If I wasn't there, who knows what disaster may have befallen her? :O

[joyfulamanda.livejournal.com]

Hehe! Aww *huggles back*.

Yep, I frequently have to insist that I actually *want* to watch something again. With my Mom especially. So I'm learning to not tell her I've just watched it recently. She seems more eager to watch something with me if she thinks I haven't seen it in a long time or that I don't remember it very well.

Truthfully, even things I've watched many times I forget alot of. I remember characters. I remember the feelings that seeing interactions between certain characters give me. But plots can swim right on past me. So really, for me it's still "new" the fifth time around, lol!

[stardreemer.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry your mom lied to you, especially about something you care so much about, and she knows how much it means to you. That really sucks.

[borg-princess.livejournal.com]

See, that's it exactly. A friend started watching Criminal Minds, which I love, but she didn't realize it was an addiction of mine, and that was okay. But the fact that mother knew all of this and did it behind my back and lied about it- that's what gets me.

[laurandbillever.livejournal.com]

I didn't get it- you are angry because the woman just needed something to watch? ^_^ She didn't ruin your DVD, right? Nor did she tell you something about the movie... so why are you so mad at her? ^_^

[borg-princess.livejournal.com]

I know, I'm a confusing contradictory person, lol. I'm angry with her because...first of all, the most important thing to me is being able to watch shows I love with other people. And I don't get to do that a lot because I'm way more social online than I am in RL. So mother, knowing how much I love TLW, watching it on her own without even asking me- that hurt. It's a bonding thing for me, and she shut me out. Secondly, she lied. I hate being lied to, so that made it even worse. I fully admit I overreacted and just needed to vent on LJ, even if it didn't make sense, because that's what's great about this site- it's my little pocket of the internet where I can rant about stuff, lol.

[laurandbillever.livejournal.com]

^_^ Well, I only hope that one day you will see the situation as a good excuse to laugh veery hard... Because, believe me, there are a lot more important things to be mad about ^_^

[spence-reid.livejournal.com]

Blergh. That stinks. Going through your stuff is UNCOOL to start with, and then lying about watching it.....yuck. And if she knows how much fun you have and how important it was to you to watch it with her, then that's really lame.

[borg-princess.livejournal.com]

Thanks, it means a lot that you understand. *huggles* I know I have a tendency to overreact and the fact that I bottle up my emotions a lot of the time because it's 'weak' means that I end up exploding here and getting hysterical and- freaking people out, I'm sure. :P So thank you for being sympathetic.

Have you noticed how a problem seems to diminish when other people validate you, make it seem okay to be upset? It's like I just need the acknowledgment that even if I don't make sense, it's perfectly all right to feel a certain way, and then that helps me get past it.

[spence-reid.livejournal.com]

Oh I understand. I overreact, I do the bottled up then EXPLODE thing too. I haven't exploded in a while...uh oh....people'd better duck. You're right about a problem slipping away...when I had that fight with my dad that I posted about, having people say-yipes, that stinks actually made me forget why I was upset. *hugs* Hope you're not still upset-that's too much work.

[borg-princess.livejournal.com]

Hee, we're ticking time bombs. I've had my explosion, now we gotta count down to yours... *meep*

Hope you're not still upset-that's too much work.

No, I'm fine now. That's why LJ's so good- cathartic release, some good friends to pat you on the back and then I'm done. :D Mother didn't get why I was upset, but she did some nice things for me that I think were her way of making up for it, so we're cool now.

[odakota-rose.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
That truly sucks, parents can be really annoying...

[borg-princess.livejournal.com]

IKR?! Ugh. *frowns*

Oh, I finally figured it out- my basic argument here is: MOTHER SHOULDA KNOWN BETTER. That post of whinge could've been summed up in four words, but...oh well. :P

[odakota-rose.livejournal.com]

Agree. Mothers are supposed to know these things by now.

[joyfulamanda.livejournal.com]

Kristen Chenoweth, the other blonde you speak of, is the spawn of Satan...end of sentence. She is EVIL!!!!!

Ahaha, we can agree on that one, at least. I think I've heard you mention 'The Cheno' before, at last, I have a face to connect to the name. Sadly. :P

Ohhh...I love Kristin Chenoweth (at least in "Wicked: The Musical", "Pushing Daisies", and "Bewitched"). Sad day! Maybe you wouldn't like "Pushing Daisies" after all...

[borg-princess.livejournal.com]

Oh damn. Is she the main chick in Pushing Daisies? The one he raises from the dead? *sadface* But hey, I liked Bewitched! Did she have a main role in that? I may hate her in TWW but maybe not on something else. I mean, I hated Seven of Nine in Voyager but loved Jeri Ryan as Jessica Devlin in Shark, so you never know.

[joyfulamanda.livejournal.com]

No she's not the main gal in "Pushing Daisies". And her part in "Bewitched" was pretty small. Well, maybe just try watching the first episode and see what you think. *shrugs*

I didn't like Mirando Otto as Eowyn in "Lord of The Rings" but she was totally adorable as Glenda in "Danny Deckchair". (Love that movie!!)

[odakota-rose.livejournal.com]

Umm, and seriously? These giant bees? Are gonna haunt me for the rest of my life, I swear it.
I have this thing about bees, they've scared me since I was little.
Also, Marguerite's being all layered again, and people are running around covered in bee goop. The first is awesome, the second is also going to haunt me for the rest of my life.