FML- once more with meaning
Mar. 26th, 2010 12:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
marguerite_kruxFuck fucking fuckitty fuck.
This has to be the shittiest joke life has ever played on me.
My dear f-list, I've really appreciated all the support you guys have given me lately. I know I have been all about the drama for too long now and hopefully *fingers crossed* this will be the last dose of RL rantiness for a while to come.
But my god. The epic fail.
Last week, when my parents told me I was no longer welcome in their house- I was numb afterwards. I was eerily calm, I went back to my room and continued reading my romance novel, then went to bed and fell asleep without shedding a single tear.
[Being the huge crybaby that I am, this is rather OOC]
The next day, when I told my relatives what was going on, maybe a handful of tears escaped but overall, I was perfectly poised. I think that was because deep inside, despite what I should have been feeling at being rejected like this, I was relieved. I could never have thought of leaving on my own and being tossed out gave me the momentum I needed in order to actually get out of there.
Then…in the midst of my plans, my arrangements to pack up and ship out…
*ominous music begins*
…enter Mother, stage right.
[It was like a horror movie, I was brushing my teeth all on my own and then I looked up and suddenly there she was, reflected in the mirror right behind me, so freaky]
My long-suffering, magnanimous mother. Filled with words of forgiveness and reconciliation, extending the olive branch in the hopes that I would accept and crawl back to their place and do my best to be part of a real family.
[Apparently they only told me to get my stuff and leave because I didn’t demonstrate a strong enough desire to stay- I suppose I should have begged and pleaded instead of saying 'I'll stay if you actually want me here'. It seemed a perfectly reasonable response, who wants to be where they're not welcome, right? But I guess it was a test and I failed it. Though somehow, the phrase ‘we don’t want to put up with you anymore’ doesn’t fit her retconning of history, but whatever, it makes a better story, right? Let’s just put all the blame on me, she can forgive me and let bygones be bygones and everything’s hunky-dory again]
I could just cry. No, actually, I did cry, I cried more at the realization that I would have to go back ‘home’ than I did when I thought I was being kicked out for good. I wept buckets of tears, honestly, I was a real mess.
It was all an epic mindfrak. The whole thing was just designed to mess with my head. They told me I had to leave, they let me dream about a new and improved future for myself- the first time in over five years that I’ve actually planned for a future rather than just resigning myself to suicide- and then they destroyed that dream and made me watch it go up in flames.
I can’t begin to understand what just happened here, other than that I got screwed big-time. I was going to move in with my grandmother and it was going to be awesome. I was going to be ecstatically happy and commander of my own fate and things were looking up.
Then they just- took it all back. WTF? Does. Not. Compute. It’s not like canceling a takeaway order or changing what color drapes hang on the window or something. This is them calmly and rationally taking about a fortnight to come to the decision that they didn’t want their daughter to live with them any longer.
And then they just- changed their minds. How do you just do that, hit the reset button? I’ve been making plans, envisioning a different path for myself, setting up meetings and doing paperwork and all this so that I can live with Ma and be responsible for myself and all of a sudden- it’s all jettisoned out the airlock.
Because mother couldn’t sleep at night or something, she was too upset about how things went. Riiiight. Firstly, it speaks volumes that my mother had to convince my father to let me come back. Secondly- if she really cared about me, if she wanted me to be happy, she should have let me go instead of ruining everything for me.
[At least we reached a compromise- I stay with my parents during the week and Ma during the weekend. So four nights there, three with her. I feel a bit like Persephone, except Mother is so not Demeter in this retelling]
I had this wonderful dream dangled before my eyes and I thought I was close enough to grasp it- til they snatched it away again. So yes, I am mentally very, very screwed up right now.
Anyway, I’m sure you guys will be happy to hear that I am booked to see not one, but two counselors for the price of none. A few of you have been telling me I need to get professional help for a while now, so there you go.
This has to be the shittiest joke life has ever played on me.
My dear f-list, I've really appreciated all the support you guys have given me lately. I know I have been all about the drama for too long now and hopefully *fingers crossed* this will be the last dose of RL rantiness for a while to come.
But my god. The epic fail.
Last week, when my parents told me I was no longer welcome in their house- I was numb afterwards. I was eerily calm, I went back to my room and continued reading my romance novel, then went to bed and fell asleep without shedding a single tear.
[Being the huge crybaby that I am, this is rather OOC]
The next day, when I told my relatives what was going on, maybe a handful of tears escaped but overall, I was perfectly poised. I think that was because deep inside, despite what I should have been feeling at being rejected like this, I was relieved. I could never have thought of leaving on my own and being tossed out gave me the momentum I needed in order to actually get out of there.
Then…in the midst of my plans, my arrangements to pack up and ship out…
*ominous music begins*
…enter Mother, stage right.
[It was like a horror movie, I was brushing my teeth all on my own and then I looked up and suddenly there she was, reflected in the mirror right behind me, so freaky]
My long-suffering, magnanimous mother. Filled with words of forgiveness and reconciliation, extending the olive branch in the hopes that I would accept and crawl back to their place and do my best to be part of a real family.
[Apparently they only told me to get my stuff and leave because I didn’t demonstrate a strong enough desire to stay- I suppose I should have begged and pleaded instead of saying 'I'll stay if you actually want me here'. It seemed a perfectly reasonable response, who wants to be where they're not welcome, right? But I guess it was a test and I failed it. Though somehow, the phrase ‘we don’t want to put up with you anymore’ doesn’t fit her retconning of history, but whatever, it makes a better story, right? Let’s just put all the blame on me, she can forgive me and let bygones be bygones and everything’s hunky-dory again]
I could just cry. No, actually, I did cry, I cried more at the realization that I would have to go back ‘home’ than I did when I thought I was being kicked out for good. I wept buckets of tears, honestly, I was a real mess.
It was all an epic mindfrak. The whole thing was just designed to mess with my head. They told me I had to leave, they let me dream about a new and improved future for myself- the first time in over five years that I’ve actually planned for a future rather than just resigning myself to suicide- and then they destroyed that dream and made me watch it go up in flames.
I can’t begin to understand what just happened here, other than that I got screwed big-time. I was going to move in with my grandmother and it was going to be awesome. I was going to be ecstatically happy and commander of my own fate and things were looking up.
Then they just- took it all back. WTF? Does. Not. Compute. It’s not like canceling a takeaway order or changing what color drapes hang on the window or something. This is them calmly and rationally taking about a fortnight to come to the decision that they didn’t want their daughter to live with them any longer.
And then they just- changed their minds. How do you just do that, hit the reset button? I’ve been making plans, envisioning a different path for myself, setting up meetings and doing paperwork and all this so that I can live with Ma and be responsible for myself and all of a sudden- it’s all jettisoned out the airlock.
Because mother couldn’t sleep at night or something, she was too upset about how things went. Riiiight. Firstly, it speaks volumes that my mother had to convince my father to let me come back. Secondly- if she really cared about me, if she wanted me to be happy, she should have let me go instead of ruining everything for me.
[At least we reached a compromise- I stay with my parents during the week and Ma during the weekend. So four nights there, three with her. I feel a bit like Persephone, except Mother is so not Demeter in this retelling]
I had this wonderful dream dangled before my eyes and I thought I was close enough to grasp it- til they snatched it away again. So yes, I am mentally very, very screwed up right now.
Anyway, I’m sure you guys will be happy to hear that I am booked to see not one, but two counselors for the price of none. A few of you have been telling me I need to get professional help for a while now, so there you go.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2010-03-26 09:03 am (UTC)There's absolutely no way you can still leave? Are they now expressly forbidding you to leave? I say if you're not happy, and your grandmother is happy for you to live with her - then you should leave. It might end up being the best thing for your relationship.
You're in your 20s now, you're not a child - you don't have to live there if you don't want to. Seriously, you can come and live with me! We'll watch Criminal Minds together and eat popcorn and do all sorts of shit that roommates do! lol
As for the therapy, I'm not a huge believer in it myself, but if you want to go and you think it will help you, then I say do it. I want you to be happy more than anything else.
I'm here if you need me. *squish*
(no subject)
Date: 2010-03-28 11:41 pm (UTC)Ma so badly wants the two of us to be okay with each other again, and it was just such a miserable evening for me. Mother was there, saying all the right words, offering forgiveness and a chance at rebuilding our relationship, and Ma was just sniffling and wiping away tears in the corner…then we had a chat in private and I started crying when I realized that it was just so much stress on her and that I’d be a terrible person if I took her up on her original offer when she’d be heartbroken at the message that would send, that it would basically mean rejecting mother. Ma loves me and she would have taken me in anyway, if I needed somewhere to go, but I can’t put her in that position with her own daughter, you know? I want to leave more than anything, but if I tore her apart emotionally, I wouldn’t deserve it.
Oh, sweetie… *hugglesquish* Yours is the best offer I’ve had in a long time, I so wish it could happen! It would be a dream come true, honestly. *daydreams about CM marathons with you* We could be unhealthy and junk out on KFC together, it’d be awesome! :D
Re: therapy. I don’t think it’s going to change anything, but it’d be nice to talk to someone that has no stake in the matter. When I talk to my relatives, much as I love them, I have to hold things back because I know that they would take exception to it because they also care about my mother, and I know they want me to feel one way and do things a certain way…talking to a stranger who doesn’t know anyone and is just there to hear me out would be good.
Of course, talking to you guys is a huge help, don’t get me wrong, you always make me feel better- but then I feel like sometimes because you care about me, you might not be as tough on me as I deserve…and to be honest, I really wouldn’t want that sort of tough love, I come here to be in my happy place and if I had my friends blasting me when I do something stupid or wrong…that’d suck. If it’s just a counselor that’s telling me something that hurts or something I don’t want to hear, well, I don’t need to keep seeing them, right? So it all works out…
I'm so glad to have you in my life, you knwo that, right? Love you lots, bb. *hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2010-03-31 03:35 am (UTC)Aw, I can understand that.
It's just such a shitty situation though - it seems like no matter what they want, you're going to be unhappy. :(
The problem isn't really with your mother, is it? Isn't it your father who's being the big shithead about everything? :( It just sucks. I don't know what solutions to offer you.
We could be unhealthy and junk out on KFC together, it’d be awesome! :D
It would be totally awesome! So, when do you want to move to North Queensland? ;-)
Re: therapy. I don’t think it’s going to change anything, but it’d be nice to talk to someone that has no stake in the matter.
That's true - they can offer you an unbiased opinion. :)
but then I feel like sometimes because you care about me, you might not be as tough on me as I deserve…
I don't think you need tough love. Life's hard sometimes and we all make mistakes, but it's about picking yourself up and getting on with it, you know? So you dropped out of uni now, who cares? That doesn't mean you can't go back in a few years anyway.
I'm a pessimist when it comes to my favourite TV shows, but when it comes to life I'm an optimist - I always think things will work out for the best. *squish* Feel better, sweetie pie. :)