FML- once more with meaning

[marguerite_krux]

Fuck fucking fuckitty fuck.
This has to be the shittiest joke life has ever played on me.

My dear f-list, I've really appreciated all the support you guys have given me lately. I know I have been all about the drama for too long now and hopefully *fingers crossed* this will be the last dose of RL rantiness for a while to come.

But my god. The epic fail.

Last week, when my parents told me I was no longer welcome in their house- I was numb afterwards. I was eerily calm, I went back to my room and continued reading my romance novel, then went to bed and fell asleep without shedding a single tear.

[Being the huge crybaby that I am, this is rather OOC]

The next day, when I told my relatives what was going on, maybe a handful of tears escaped but overall, I was perfectly poised. I think that was because deep inside, despite what I should have been feeling at being rejected like this, I was relieved. I could never have thought of leaving on my own and being tossed out gave me the momentum I needed in order to actually get out of there.

Then…in the midst of my plans, my arrangements to pack up and ship out…

*ominous music begins*

…enter Mother, stage right.

[It was like a horror movie, I was brushing my teeth all on my own and then I looked up and suddenly there she was, reflected in the mirror right behind me, so freaky]

My long-suffering, magnanimous mother. Filled with words of forgiveness and reconciliation, extending the olive branch in the hopes that I would accept and crawl back to their place and do my best to be part of a real family.

[Apparently they only told me to get my stuff and leave because I didn’t demonstrate a strong enough desire to stay- I suppose I should have begged and pleaded instead of saying 'I'll stay if you actually want me here'. It seemed a perfectly reasonable response, who wants to be where they're not welcome, right? But I guess it was a test and I failed it. Though somehow, the phrase ‘we don’t want to put up with you anymore’ doesn’t fit her retconning of history, but whatever, it makes a better story, right? Let’s just put all the blame on me, she can forgive me and let bygones be bygones and everything’s hunky-dory again]

I could just cry. No, actually, I did cry, I cried more at the realization that I would have to go back ‘home’ than I did when I thought I was being kicked out for good. I wept buckets of tears, honestly, I was a real mess.

It was all an epic mindfrak. The whole thing was just designed to mess with my head. They told me I had to leave, they let me dream about a new and improved future for myself- the first time in over five years that I’ve actually planned for a future rather than just resigning myself to suicide- and then they destroyed that dream and made me watch it go up in flames.

I can’t begin to understand what just happened here, other than that I got screwed big-time. I was going to move in with my grandmother and it was going to be awesome. I was going to be ecstatically happy and commander of my own fate and things were looking up.

Then they just- took it all back. WTF? Does. Not. Compute. It’s not like canceling a takeaway order or changing what color drapes hang on the window or something. This is them calmly and rationally taking about a fortnight to come to the decision that they didn’t want their daughter to live with them any longer.

And then they just- changed their minds. How do you just do that, hit the reset button? I’ve been making plans, envisioning a different path for myself, setting up meetings and doing paperwork and all this so that I can live with Ma and be responsible for myself and all of a sudden- it’s all jettisoned out the airlock.

Because mother couldn’t sleep at night or something, she was too upset about how things went. Riiiight. Firstly, it speaks volumes that my mother had to convince my father to let me come back. Secondly- if she really cared about me, if she wanted me to be happy, she should have let me go instead of ruining everything for me.

[At least we reached a compromise- I stay with my parents during the week and Ma during the weekend. So four nights there, three with her. I feel a bit like Persephone, except Mother is so not Demeter in this retelling]

I had this wonderful dream dangled before my eyes and I thought I was close enough to grasp it- til they snatched it away again. So yes, I am mentally very, very screwed up right now.

Anyway, I’m sure you guys will be happy to hear that I am booked to see not one, but two counselors for the price of none. A few of you have been telling me I need to get professional help for a while now, so there you go.

Comments

[mw48.livejournal.com]

~massive squishes~

Yes, seeking help seems like a very good idea at this point.

Don't let go of your dreams.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[alyssa22.livejournal.com]

I hate to say this, but you're a grown-up. If you want to leave, leave. It's as simple as that. They can't MAKE you stay there.

[mcgarrygirl78.livejournal.com]

I have to say, I want to agree with alyssa22 but I'm sure you dont want to cause a rift in your family and I'm also not sure your grandmother would invite you to stay when its against your mother's wishes.

Also, talking to someone is always a good thing, especially an objective 3rd party. And someone who cannot talk to your parents as soon as you turn your back.

Something good will come of this Annie, I truly believe that. You cant keep living as you have and I think if you really spread your wings your parents will either just pull that again or you'll go on your own.

I'm always here and I wish you all the best.

*hugs*

[sunkrux.livejournal.com]

I'm with alyssa22 You are a grown up. Leave. Talk to your Ma and see if she'll let you stay with her until you get on your feet.

Counseling is probably a good idea for you. I know when I saw one years ago it helped me figure a lot of things out about myself and why my dad might have become so emotionally distant with me when I was a little kid.

Most of all you can not and should not let THEM take your dream of moving out away from you. Yes it's scary but it can be awesome too. You'll eventually figure out what you want and what kind of person you want to be. They may not like it and tough shit for them if they can't/won't support you.

*hugs*

[halfabubble.livejournal.com]

Y'know, just cos they changed their mind doesn't mean you still can't move out and be who you wanna be. You could explain to them, that the prospect of not living here made you realize that actually you would like to, as your own decision, move out and do your own thing. Take that anger you feel towards them for fucking you over and put it into making an effort to do what you want to do. As parents they should support whatever decision you make in your pursuit for happiness, and if they don't, screw 'em. It's your life. We only have so long.

Therapy will help you bb, I hope the sessions go well *hugs*

[kat-rowe.livejournal.com]

the counseling is a very good thing, hon, but you should see talk to your Ma about staying with her more than three nights a week. you're a grown woman and in a place to make your own decisions. no one can keep you where you don't want to stay. if nothing else, talk to the counselors and see if you can get them to advocate for you to spend more time with Ma than with your parents. their job is making sure you're able to live the life you need to so, if you explain you're reasoning, they'll help you if they consider it best for you

*hugs you*

hang in there, hon

[weird-fin.livejournal.com]

*hug*
I think the others have covered mostly everything, and you're going to feel better after counsellors, so i'll just stand here and smile encouragement

[luxuria-oceanus.livejournal.com]

Sorry to be the one to ask, but why are you seeking professional help exactly?

I mean, fine, I understand you've said you have suicidal thoughts and I'm guessing following that comes bouts of depression, but for you to need professional help... it's very bad, then?

I only ask 'cause I've been on the side of depression (haven't we all?) and I never once went to a therapist (couldn't afford it and it would be a huge shame to the family), so I had to learn how to cope with it myself... if the 'professional help' doesn't always 'help', I'm here, y'know. Via e-mail, owl or floo powder. I'll be right here.

*hugs you* I hope you get to feel better soon, though.

Now onto the family specifics... that sucks ASS.

I know exactly how you must feel! It's like, I'm leaving for Texas in July (did I mention that?) Moving, permanently, ready to start my life over and do so much, and if someone in my family did or said something to keep me here... I'd go bonkers. I'd be back to the same routine of blah and ugh and WAIL because I'm stuck in the same damn hole instead of digging my own and making it pretty (yeah, that sounded better in my head). But, at least you'll be spending some time with your grandma and... I don't know, can't you make your grandmother and parents see that you'd like your stay with your grandma be more permanent? Maybe, if by staying those days with your Ma, she sees that you're better and more motivated, she might offer...? I mean, fuck, even your mother can't object to letting you go if it WILL do you good.

Seriously!

[luxuria-oceanus.livejournal.com]

Almost forgot, eye-candy for the soul:



I was watching "Sense and Sensibility" earlier and I immediately thought of you :-) he is most dashing there, is he not?

[woodchoc-magnum.livejournal.com]

Oh my god, darls...

There's absolutely no way you can still leave? Are they now expressly forbidding you to leave? I say if you're not happy, and your grandmother is happy for you to live with her - then you should leave. It might end up being the best thing for your relationship.

You're in your 20s now, you're not a child - you don't have to live there if you don't want to. Seriously, you can come and live with me! We'll watch Criminal Minds together and eat popcorn and do all sorts of shit that roommates do! lol

As for the therapy, I'm not a huge believer in it myself, but if you want to go and you think it will help you, then I say do it. I want you to be happy more than anything else.

I'm here if you need me. *squish*

[luisa-f.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Maybe counseling isn't such a bad idea, I had some counseling too, back when I was in my late teens, early twenties and talking to someone who is not emotionally invested can at least help you relieve some of the emotional baggage. And read books, they'll free your mind, it doesn't matter where you live your mind is free, they cannot have that.

Even if you can't leave you can make the best of the situation, I know it sounds trite but believe me, I know what you're going through and I wish there was a way I could show you that you're going to be okay and in ten years everything will be so much better and this will be nothing but a bad memory. Don't lose hope, really, you will miss so many things, you're just beginning your life, you're a baby, you're so young.

[silentwilight.livejournal.com]

Wow, well don't let what they decide or change their minds on dictate your happiness. If you decide to make a decision and that decision makes you happy stick with it and I'm sure it'll be fine.

I think its a great idea to talk to somebody about all this.

I really hope it all works out for you and you feel better soon! Sorry you have to go through all this! :HUGS:

[wickedandcruel.livejournal.com]

And what exactly is stopping you from living with your grandmother? You can still do it, you're legal, and just b/c now your parents decided that you can stay, doesn't mean they're chaining you up to the bedpost. You can be the grown up and say "I'm sorry mother, but *I* made my decision. I think it's time all of us take a break from each other." And frankly, you should give both you and your parents time to miss each other. It's obvious you have issues to work out, but if living i nthe same house isn't working, then being away is the best choice. Give yourself time to miss them, to see if you miss them, and for them to have a house without you, it may make them cherish your presence more.

Me and my mm get along fine most of the time (in fact we're almost attached to the hip) but there were time in the past where living together was impossible. She was making me miserable, it was awful, I couldn't stand the fighting anymore. So I took my things and planned a week away (the first time I spent a week at a friend's house in a city 9 hours away, in a different state, the second i spent a week at the beach with a couple of friends, 2 hours away from our city) and things were much better when I got back. It gave both of us time to miss the other, to not be able to reach the other at all times, to just be away, it was a relief.

You and your parents don't seem to be particularly close, but the abscense seems to be a good idea, specially in your case. Stay away a month with your grams, ask her to let you stay for a little while. You need to be away from them, and not in a stay out all day and come home at night, you wont have to come home at night and face your parents.

You don't have to move out, just take some time for yourself.

[muzzy-olorea.livejournal.com]

Oh dear hun! I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Just because your Mum wants you to go home, does it mean you have to? Couldn't you just say it would be better for you to live full time at your Grandma's? =/

*hugs*

[spence-reid.livejournal.com]

You should just move in with your grandmother and screw what they think. I can't believe they did that to you.
*squish* Love you.

[sunny-serenity.livejournal.com]

Gah! WHAT?!?!?! That'd piss the hell right outta me. I'm just gonna dole it out right here. You should stick to what your ULTIMATE plan is for independence and continue to go about it. Mayhaps you'll have to go a little slower than you'd like but the ULTIMATE plan would still be in place especially if you've resolved yourself to grab at bigger better things for. your. self. I'm not saying be selfish but there has to be some kind of reasoning here especially if they're 'testing' you instead of SUPPORTING you. WTF is THAT? You are ultimately the master of your own fate. Your life in YOUR hands. You're an adult they can't make you do anything. Life is about choices not living by someone's leave. BAH! I'm so upset for you... maybe I'm being emo in my rant here because of some stuff going on in my life but NO ONE has the right to dictate how you live.

All that being said, YES, get help if you need it. It does you wonders. Puts stuff in perspective. *HUGS & KISSES* *SMOOSH* Love ya sweetie.

[fragilemorning.livejournal.com]

Aww! Man, your parents kind of scare me? (Is that okay to admit that..because they kind of remind me of mine).
Aww. Maybe this is for the best? *HUGS*

fml

[(Anonymous)]

Today, I broke up with my fiance. We were planning to get married at the end of the year. It all happened yesterday morning when a letter to my fiance appeared under the door. He opened it, and it was intimate photos of me and my ex. I didn't know until he left he sms'd me saying he doesn't want to be with me anymore. (ex bf) youFML