FML- once more with meaning
Mar. 26th, 2010 12:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
marguerite_kruxFuck fucking fuckitty fuck.
This has to be the shittiest joke life has ever played on me.
My dear f-list, I've really appreciated all the support you guys have given me lately. I know I have been all about the drama for too long now and hopefully *fingers crossed* this will be the last dose of RL rantiness for a while to come.
But my god. The epic fail.
Last week, when my parents told me I was no longer welcome in their house- I was numb afterwards. I was eerily calm, I went back to my room and continued reading my romance novel, then went to bed and fell asleep without shedding a single tear.
[Being the huge crybaby that I am, this is rather OOC]
The next day, when I told my relatives what was going on, maybe a handful of tears escaped but overall, I was perfectly poised. I think that was because deep inside, despite what I should have been feeling at being rejected like this, I was relieved. I could never have thought of leaving on my own and being tossed out gave me the momentum I needed in order to actually get out of there.
Then…in the midst of my plans, my arrangements to pack up and ship out…
*ominous music begins*
…enter Mother, stage right.
[It was like a horror movie, I was brushing my teeth all on my own and then I looked up and suddenly there she was, reflected in the mirror right behind me, so freaky]
My long-suffering, magnanimous mother. Filled with words of forgiveness and reconciliation, extending the olive branch in the hopes that I would accept and crawl back to their place and do my best to be part of a real family.
[Apparently they only told me to get my stuff and leave because I didn’t demonstrate a strong enough desire to stay- I suppose I should have begged and pleaded instead of saying 'I'll stay if you actually want me here'. It seemed a perfectly reasonable response, who wants to be where they're not welcome, right? But I guess it was a test and I failed it. Though somehow, the phrase ‘we don’t want to put up with you anymore’ doesn’t fit her retconning of history, but whatever, it makes a better story, right? Let’s just put all the blame on me, she can forgive me and let bygones be bygones and everything’s hunky-dory again]
I could just cry. No, actually, I did cry, I cried more at the realization that I would have to go back ‘home’ than I did when I thought I was being kicked out for good. I wept buckets of tears, honestly, I was a real mess.
It was all an epic mindfrak. The whole thing was just designed to mess with my head. They told me I had to leave, they let me dream about a new and improved future for myself- the first time in over five years that I’ve actually planned for a future rather than just resigning myself to suicide- and then they destroyed that dream and made me watch it go up in flames.
I can’t begin to understand what just happened here, other than that I got screwed big-time. I was going to move in with my grandmother and it was going to be awesome. I was going to be ecstatically happy and commander of my own fate and things were looking up.
Then they just- took it all back. WTF? Does. Not. Compute. It’s not like canceling a takeaway order or changing what color drapes hang on the window or something. This is them calmly and rationally taking about a fortnight to come to the decision that they didn’t want their daughter to live with them any longer.
And then they just- changed their minds. How do you just do that, hit the reset button? I’ve been making plans, envisioning a different path for myself, setting up meetings and doing paperwork and all this so that I can live with Ma and be responsible for myself and all of a sudden- it’s all jettisoned out the airlock.
Because mother couldn’t sleep at night or something, she was too upset about how things went. Riiiight. Firstly, it speaks volumes that my mother had to convince my father to let me come back. Secondly- if she really cared about me, if she wanted me to be happy, she should have let me go instead of ruining everything for me.
[At least we reached a compromise- I stay with my parents during the week and Ma during the weekend. So four nights there, three with her. I feel a bit like Persephone, except Mother is so not Demeter in this retelling]
I had this wonderful dream dangled before my eyes and I thought I was close enough to grasp it- til they snatched it away again. So yes, I am mentally very, very screwed up right now.
Anyway, I’m sure you guys will be happy to hear that I am booked to see not one, but two counselors for the price of none. A few of you have been telling me I need to get professional help for a while now, so there you go.
This has to be the shittiest joke life has ever played on me.
My dear f-list, I've really appreciated all the support you guys have given me lately. I know I have been all about the drama for too long now and hopefully *fingers crossed* this will be the last dose of RL rantiness for a while to come.
But my god. The epic fail.
Last week, when my parents told me I was no longer welcome in their house- I was numb afterwards. I was eerily calm, I went back to my room and continued reading my romance novel, then went to bed and fell asleep without shedding a single tear.
[Being the huge crybaby that I am, this is rather OOC]
The next day, when I told my relatives what was going on, maybe a handful of tears escaped but overall, I was perfectly poised. I think that was because deep inside, despite what I should have been feeling at being rejected like this, I was relieved. I could never have thought of leaving on my own and being tossed out gave me the momentum I needed in order to actually get out of there.
Then…in the midst of my plans, my arrangements to pack up and ship out…
*ominous music begins*
…enter Mother, stage right.
[It was like a horror movie, I was brushing my teeth all on my own and then I looked up and suddenly there she was, reflected in the mirror right behind me, so freaky]
My long-suffering, magnanimous mother. Filled with words of forgiveness and reconciliation, extending the olive branch in the hopes that I would accept and crawl back to their place and do my best to be part of a real family.
[Apparently they only told me to get my stuff and leave because I didn’t demonstrate a strong enough desire to stay- I suppose I should have begged and pleaded instead of saying 'I'll stay if you actually want me here'. It seemed a perfectly reasonable response, who wants to be where they're not welcome, right? But I guess it was a test and I failed it. Though somehow, the phrase ‘we don’t want to put up with you anymore’ doesn’t fit her retconning of history, but whatever, it makes a better story, right? Let’s just put all the blame on me, she can forgive me and let bygones be bygones and everything’s hunky-dory again]
I could just cry. No, actually, I did cry, I cried more at the realization that I would have to go back ‘home’ than I did when I thought I was being kicked out for good. I wept buckets of tears, honestly, I was a real mess.
It was all an epic mindfrak. The whole thing was just designed to mess with my head. They told me I had to leave, they let me dream about a new and improved future for myself- the first time in over five years that I’ve actually planned for a future rather than just resigning myself to suicide- and then they destroyed that dream and made me watch it go up in flames.
I can’t begin to understand what just happened here, other than that I got screwed big-time. I was going to move in with my grandmother and it was going to be awesome. I was going to be ecstatically happy and commander of my own fate and things were looking up.
Then they just- took it all back. WTF? Does. Not. Compute. It’s not like canceling a takeaway order or changing what color drapes hang on the window or something. This is them calmly and rationally taking about a fortnight to come to the decision that they didn’t want their daughter to live with them any longer.
And then they just- changed their minds. How do you just do that, hit the reset button? I’ve been making plans, envisioning a different path for myself, setting up meetings and doing paperwork and all this so that I can live with Ma and be responsible for myself and all of a sudden- it’s all jettisoned out the airlock.
Because mother couldn’t sleep at night or something, she was too upset about how things went. Riiiight. Firstly, it speaks volumes that my mother had to convince my father to let me come back. Secondly- if she really cared about me, if she wanted me to be happy, she should have let me go instead of ruining everything for me.
[At least we reached a compromise- I stay with my parents during the week and Ma during the weekend. So four nights there, three with her. I feel a bit like Persephone, except Mother is so not Demeter in this retelling]
I had this wonderful dream dangled before my eyes and I thought I was close enough to grasp it- til they snatched it away again. So yes, I am mentally very, very screwed up right now.
Anyway, I’m sure you guys will be happy to hear that I am booked to see not one, but two counselors for the price of none. A few of you have been telling me I need to get professional help for a while now, so there you go.
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(no subject)
Date: 2010-03-29 11:41 pm (UTC)That's exactly what I think. I don't expect counselors to magically make problems disappear or make you a better person, but even with people that care about you- maybe especially with loved ones- you can't talk to them about everything. Sometimes it's the things that make you feel like a terrible person or like you've failed in some way, or just the petty, spiteful things that we all think but don't say, because we don't want people we respect to think less of us. It's a relief getting that out with someone who has no expectations of you.
I know what you're going through and I wish there was a way I could show you that you're going to be okay and in ten years everything will be so much better and this will be nothing but a bad memory.
You know, just talking to you convinces me that things will be okay. Because I seem to be re-treading the path you took and look at you, I think you turned out well. ;D It's a hopeful sign to me that you also ditched uni, did your own thing and found your own way in the end. If I turn out anything like you, it'll be all right.
And there's the idea these days that you absolutely need to have your career locked in by your early 20s, but I'm young, and I have the rest of my life to figure it out and pull it together, so I'm not going to feel guilty anymore for being clueless about where I want to go. After being submerged in self-loathing and misery for so long, I think I'm finally starting to just let go of it all and hoping for the best. It's a nice feeling.