FML- once more with meaning
Mar. 26th, 2010 12:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
marguerite_kruxFuck fucking fuckitty fuck.
This has to be the shittiest joke life has ever played on me.
My dear f-list, I've really appreciated all the support you guys have given me lately. I know I have been all about the drama for too long now and hopefully *fingers crossed* this will be the last dose of RL rantiness for a while to come.
But my god. The epic fail.
Last week, when my parents told me I was no longer welcome in their house- I was numb afterwards. I was eerily calm, I went back to my room and continued reading my romance novel, then went to bed and fell asleep without shedding a single tear.
[Being the huge crybaby that I am, this is rather OOC]
The next day, when I told my relatives what was going on, maybe a handful of tears escaped but overall, I was perfectly poised. I think that was because deep inside, despite what I should have been feeling at being rejected like this, I was relieved. I could never have thought of leaving on my own and being tossed out gave me the momentum I needed in order to actually get out of there.
Then…in the midst of my plans, my arrangements to pack up and ship out…
*ominous music begins*
…enter Mother, stage right.
[It was like a horror movie, I was brushing my teeth all on my own and then I looked up and suddenly there she was, reflected in the mirror right behind me, so freaky]
My long-suffering, magnanimous mother. Filled with words of forgiveness and reconciliation, extending the olive branch in the hopes that I would accept and crawl back to their place and do my best to be part of a real family.
[Apparently they only told me to get my stuff and leave because I didn’t demonstrate a strong enough desire to stay- I suppose I should have begged and pleaded instead of saying 'I'll stay if you actually want me here'. It seemed a perfectly reasonable response, who wants to be where they're not welcome, right? But I guess it was a test and I failed it. Though somehow, the phrase ‘we don’t want to put up with you anymore’ doesn’t fit her retconning of history, but whatever, it makes a better story, right? Let’s just put all the blame on me, she can forgive me and let bygones be bygones and everything’s hunky-dory again]
I could just cry. No, actually, I did cry, I cried more at the realization that I would have to go back ‘home’ than I did when I thought I was being kicked out for good. I wept buckets of tears, honestly, I was a real mess.
It was all an epic mindfrak. The whole thing was just designed to mess with my head. They told me I had to leave, they let me dream about a new and improved future for myself- the first time in over five years that I’ve actually planned for a future rather than just resigning myself to suicide- and then they destroyed that dream and made me watch it go up in flames.
I can’t begin to understand what just happened here, other than that I got screwed big-time. I was going to move in with my grandmother and it was going to be awesome. I was going to be ecstatically happy and commander of my own fate and things were looking up.
Then they just- took it all back. WTF? Does. Not. Compute. It’s not like canceling a takeaway order or changing what color drapes hang on the window or something. This is them calmly and rationally taking about a fortnight to come to the decision that they didn’t want their daughter to live with them any longer.
And then they just- changed their minds. How do you just do that, hit the reset button? I’ve been making plans, envisioning a different path for myself, setting up meetings and doing paperwork and all this so that I can live with Ma and be responsible for myself and all of a sudden- it’s all jettisoned out the airlock.
Because mother couldn’t sleep at night or something, she was too upset about how things went. Riiiight. Firstly, it speaks volumes that my mother had to convince my father to let me come back. Secondly- if she really cared about me, if she wanted me to be happy, she should have let me go instead of ruining everything for me.
[At least we reached a compromise- I stay with my parents during the week and Ma during the weekend. So four nights there, three with her. I feel a bit like Persephone, except Mother is so not Demeter in this retelling]
I had this wonderful dream dangled before my eyes and I thought I was close enough to grasp it- til they snatched it away again. So yes, I am mentally very, very screwed up right now.
Anyway, I’m sure you guys will be happy to hear that I am booked to see not one, but two counselors for the price of none. A few of you have been telling me I need to get professional help for a while now, so there you go.
This has to be the shittiest joke life has ever played on me.
My dear f-list, I've really appreciated all the support you guys have given me lately. I know I have been all about the drama for too long now and hopefully *fingers crossed* this will be the last dose of RL rantiness for a while to come.
But my god. The epic fail.
Last week, when my parents told me I was no longer welcome in their house- I was numb afterwards. I was eerily calm, I went back to my room and continued reading my romance novel, then went to bed and fell asleep without shedding a single tear.
[Being the huge crybaby that I am, this is rather OOC]
The next day, when I told my relatives what was going on, maybe a handful of tears escaped but overall, I was perfectly poised. I think that was because deep inside, despite what I should have been feeling at being rejected like this, I was relieved. I could never have thought of leaving on my own and being tossed out gave me the momentum I needed in order to actually get out of there.
Then…in the midst of my plans, my arrangements to pack up and ship out…
*ominous music begins*
…enter Mother, stage right.
[It was like a horror movie, I was brushing my teeth all on my own and then I looked up and suddenly there she was, reflected in the mirror right behind me, so freaky]
My long-suffering, magnanimous mother. Filled with words of forgiveness and reconciliation, extending the olive branch in the hopes that I would accept and crawl back to their place and do my best to be part of a real family.
[Apparently they only told me to get my stuff and leave because I didn’t demonstrate a strong enough desire to stay- I suppose I should have begged and pleaded instead of saying 'I'll stay if you actually want me here'. It seemed a perfectly reasonable response, who wants to be where they're not welcome, right? But I guess it was a test and I failed it. Though somehow, the phrase ‘we don’t want to put up with you anymore’ doesn’t fit her retconning of history, but whatever, it makes a better story, right? Let’s just put all the blame on me, she can forgive me and let bygones be bygones and everything’s hunky-dory again]
I could just cry. No, actually, I did cry, I cried more at the realization that I would have to go back ‘home’ than I did when I thought I was being kicked out for good. I wept buckets of tears, honestly, I was a real mess.
It was all an epic mindfrak. The whole thing was just designed to mess with my head. They told me I had to leave, they let me dream about a new and improved future for myself- the first time in over five years that I’ve actually planned for a future rather than just resigning myself to suicide- and then they destroyed that dream and made me watch it go up in flames.
I can’t begin to understand what just happened here, other than that I got screwed big-time. I was going to move in with my grandmother and it was going to be awesome. I was going to be ecstatically happy and commander of my own fate and things were looking up.
Then they just- took it all back. WTF? Does. Not. Compute. It’s not like canceling a takeaway order or changing what color drapes hang on the window or something. This is them calmly and rationally taking about a fortnight to come to the decision that they didn’t want their daughter to live with them any longer.
And then they just- changed their minds. How do you just do that, hit the reset button? I’ve been making plans, envisioning a different path for myself, setting up meetings and doing paperwork and all this so that I can live with Ma and be responsible for myself and all of a sudden- it’s all jettisoned out the airlock.
Because mother couldn’t sleep at night or something, she was too upset about how things went. Riiiight. Firstly, it speaks volumes that my mother had to convince my father to let me come back. Secondly- if she really cared about me, if she wanted me to be happy, she should have let me go instead of ruining everything for me.
[At least we reached a compromise- I stay with my parents during the week and Ma during the weekend. So four nights there, three with her. I feel a bit like Persephone, except Mother is so not Demeter in this retelling]
I had this wonderful dream dangled before my eyes and I thought I was close enough to grasp it- til they snatched it away again. So yes, I am mentally very, very screwed up right now.
Anyway, I’m sure you guys will be happy to hear that I am booked to see not one, but two counselors for the price of none. A few of you have been telling me I need to get professional help for a while now, so there you go.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2010-03-28 11:32 pm (UTC)I don’t believe therapy is going to change me radically or do anything to really alter or improve my situation, but I do think that talking things out with unbiased strangers could be some help. Not in the sense that it would stop me throwing myself off a bridge if I was at that point [which I’m not] but that it would clear up some issues of mine.
I know you’re around to lend a sympathetic shoulder and I truly value that, this counseling thing in no way takes the place of the support you and the others have given. I just kinda feel that it would be interesting to see what viewpoint a stranger with no knowledge or stake in the matter has to offer. Whether being removed from it all, with no personal attachment to me or any of my family, would change what I’ve been hearing from other people.
I’m not saying I think any of you have been lying to me or sugarcoating what you really think- although I appreciate it if you have, I would just dissolve like a tissue in water if I discovered I had disgraced myself in your eyes- but I think people are kinder and more tolerant of a friend’s flaws and I’m curious what someone who isn’t fond of me might think. Does that make sense?
Texas! Wow, that is a change and a half! I think it sounds vaguely familiar, but I can't remember any details. Why Texas? Do you know people there or do you have job opportunities there or something? *makes mental note to scour your LJ for clues*
Lol, okay, so FOR ONCE your awesome!sentence-making skills went a little wonky 'coz that thing with digging the hole and whatnot...doesn't work for me. But you're still hilariously accurate and on the money 99.99% of the time so don't worry. :P
can't you make your grandmother and parents see that you'd like your stay with your grandma be more permanent?
I don't want to hope too much at the moment, but Ma's dropping hints that if I just bide my time, when things blow over, maybe we could discuss the idea again. I'm not going to get worked up about it in case it falls through, but I think she wanted to give me some sense that things have a chance of changing and improving if I just go with the flow and hang on for now. It's just she wants to try and preserve the family bond and all that, so letting me move in sends the wrong message and it kinda puts her in an awkward position of taking sides against her daughter, so I understand her reasoning. Fingers crossed the deal's on the table again a few months down the line when it's not so crazy with the parentals.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-03 04:28 am (UTC)And yes, I think I know what you mean. I don't think I'd have the heart to kick a friend while they're already down, even if it's the right thing to do, to help them... so, yes, I think I know what you mean.
Because I have a very dear friend who for more than a couple of years has been telling me to go be her roommate since things in P.R. aren't going swell for me. They need bilingual people there, even more for the case of teachers, and I don't know, sometimes I feel like Texas has been calling me from day ONE... so, let's see how it goes!
*SNORT* Hey, I can't make flawless sentences all the time :-P
*nod nod* Well, I hope that whatever gets decided in the end has the ability to benefit all, since people should work together to have everyone reach a happy medium instead of having some happy while others stay miserable.