Your chains still I feel

[marguerite_krux]

You couldn't even bring yourself
to stay, oh no
You had to go spoil it all
I know you had to go
Now I find these endlessly
colorblind days to fill
You never will...



Even though I won't see you or speak to you again,
Even though I'd probably duck into a store or cross the street
or look away and pretend I don't see you if we cross paths again
I still think about you every day and I hate that I still miss you
No matter what I do, I always forget to forget you.

Happy birthday.

Comments

[spence-reid.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I hope you feel happier soon.

[borg-princess.livejournal.com]

Aww, thanks for that, it helps. :)

[justhere1971.livejournal.com]

??? ((hugs))) why are you so sad?

[borg-princess.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the hug. I know it's corny but even though it doesn't solve anything, it makes me feel a little better. And since you asked...[you'll probably wish you hadn't by the end of this]

Pretty much every day sucks, which is why fandom means so much to me because it helps me to ignore reality, and throwing myself into ships makes everything shiny and happy and great. But yesterday was...ugh. It's weird that today's the anniversary of my grandfather's death and yet I feel worse about an old friend who's parted ways with me. I kinda feel like a traitor for being more upset about that than my own grandfather but I guess we had closure, or more closure anyway, which makes a difference.

Yesterday was my friend's birthday- well, I use the word 'friend' although that doesn't really work, we didn't hang out outside of school or go to the movies or normal stuff, we weren't traditional friends, she was more like a substitute mother figure that I spent every free moment of school with. I keep thinking I've gotten over the whole mess and it's in the past and I'm done but her birthday was always a major occasion and it stirred up all the old memories again and I miss her so much.

I can't talk to anyone in my family about her because they never really understood how much she meant to me. Year 12 was horrendous and she was the one person that kept me going through the whole year with all the stress and pressure and ridiculous teen angst. I'm not sure if this analogy works for you, but the way I feel about Elizabeth or Roslin or any of my 'heroes', that was how I saw her. I attribute my success to her doing incredible work keeping me sane that year. Like, I was going off-the-rails crazy, and I fought with my parents every step of the way and I just wanted to die, and she was the one that heard out all my rants, put up with my sulking and mood swings, cheered me up and motivated me and taped my favorite shows so that I didn't miss out. But the following year she had to leave school so I couldn't see her anymore and things have just gone downhill since then.

I've always grown attached to authority figures, like, I've been a 'teacher's pet' my whole life but none of them ever supported and nurtured me like she did. Maybe if she'd been at school for another year, then over time, I'd've grown out of it like usual but just having the connection severed like that...well, saying it 'upset' me is putting it mildly. I still haven't dealt with it, two years nine months later. It's still messing me up. *sighs*

Anyway. Thanks for hearing me out.

[justhere1971.livejournal.com]

It makes complete sense. Most of us do not have parents who "get" us. Specially through the teenage years. I am glad you had/have someone to guide you through, and navigate the murky waters of the teen age years with.

It does not matter that you are not in contact with her now. She will always be a big part of your life, because in someways she has shaped you. I don't know why the connection was severed suddenly, but I think you should take comfort in the fact that she was there when you needed her the most.

Hope I didn't come across too preachy. ((more hugs))

[borg-princess.livejournal.com]

*sighs deeply* Thanks. And no, that wasn't preachy at all, I'm grateful you seem to understand all that mess of emotions, lol. I guess it needed someone outside of the family. My grandmother is the warmest, most loving person but when I tried to talk to her, she took it as criticism of the family and my mother in particular, like I was saying she'd done something wrong or not done enough for me and it was so frustrating because you can't always turn to parents. It's not an ideal world, unfortunately.

I think you should take comfort in the fact that she was there when you needed her the most.

That's kind of what's the problem, I guess. Because I owe her so much, like you said, she shaped me and helped me become more mature- although if she could see me now and how I'm unravelling, she'd be so disappointed- and I love her so much for all that but at the same time, I hate her for leaving me behind. So I'm torn between 'she did so much for me, I couldn't expect more, accept what she gave and move on with your life' and 'I don't care, I still need her and goddamn her for not being there anymore'. Ugh. How selfish is that?

School was our common ground, and when she had to leave, that was it. We exchanged a few cards, a few calls, emails but... it wasn't the same. I guess another reason her birthday troubles me is because I made the decision last year not to send her flowers or anything, because the best case scenario seemed to be a card twice a year and sporadic emails, and it was just too little and too hard. So I cut even that small connection to her and I'm still wrestling with it.

Thanks for hearing me out, you've always been a good listener. *huggles* I just needed to get this out. My New Year's resolution needs to be 'stop obsessing about the past, focus on the future' or something, lol.